The December that finally came.

Wow! I haven't written a blog post in so long! Shame on me! :) but for the record, I have been busy! Finals literally came out of nowhere and 3 of my finals were 8-10 page papers were absolute horrid. Finals ended though and I moved back home, which is nice. I've missed being home, missed driving and just being around my parents and animals.

However soon as I got home I had a week till Eric was home and tons of stuff to do! Shopping for presents, baking, cleaning and running errands. It was hectic, but stuff got done and Eric came home. The final days before December 15th happened were actually very odd for me. I was excited that Eric was coming home, but I wasn't like..."OMG HE'S COMING HOME FOR GOOD!' jumping around excited. I didn't get jumping around excited until the morning of the 15th and the whole day was just a blur. Getting up and thinking to myself: "he's going to be home today, he'll be back in the states and he will never ever have to go back to Japan." that was absolutely surreal. Finally, it was time to go to the airport and I immediately went and stood at the new arrivals gate. I couldn't stop moving, literally I was rocking back and forth for an hour.

And even though it took many groups of people before him for me to see him, Eric finally was there. He was home, back in the states from a 2 year deployment. For good. 

This Christmas, I had several people ask me what I wanted and I just smiled  and replied: I have everything I want. 

This is true! Eric got 45 days of leave and is getting stationed in the same time zone as me, he will never go back to Japan ever again and the only time we will be separated is a deployment and frankly after Japan, I can handle anything! Bring it on! My father has a stable job and my mom is the best support system I could ever have. All of my animals are healthy and my family and friends are happy and healthy as well. Honestly, I have bad days and good days...but most of the time things go pretty well for me and I am thankful for that.

Christmas Eve was hard because every year we had the Bradshaw Christmas over at my Mamaw's. She wasn't here this year to celebrate with us for the first time and I don't think Christmas Eve will ever be the without her. But in the end, we had a great Christmas Eve! Full of laughing and 3 hours of shooting each other with Nerf guns and I am pretty sure Mamaw had to be smiling at us from heaven. I will never ever take a moment with my loved ones for granted ever again. Mamaw taught me that and I will continue treasure each moment with people that are important to me because you never know when that moment could be the last.

I am looking forward to 2013, to new beginnings and to a new future. It's going to be a big year for me but I think I'll be able to handle it! I think I need a new challenge in my life! :)

I want to end this last blog post with a few acknowledgments~

To my mom: Thank you so much for helping with Eric's deployment. The past two years were absolutely chaos sometimes and without you I don't think I would of been able to push through it. You inspire me and I learned a lot during the past two years, about myself and other people and I know I have you to thank for that. I love you mom!

To various family members: All of my family has been so supportive throughout this entire process, praying and thinking about Eric for the past 2 years and 1 month. I know a lot of you sent Eric cards and care packages that made him smile and so happy when he was going through hard times. It means so much to me that my family has my back and understands the situation I'm in and there are not words to express how thankful I am. Not to name any names, but! Sherry, Grammy, Granddaddy, Papaw, Mamaw, Aimee, Alan, Sam, Matt...you guys rock ;)

To my friends: When Eric and I found out that he was going to get deployed to Japan for 2 years, I was a complete wreck. And when I was upset, needed to vent or just needed someone to hangout with..I had the most wonderful friends to turn to. Ally: you are such an inspiration to me! You make the most beautiful things and I really hope that one day I can become an amazing military wife and mother like you! Brenna, thank you for listening to me and for always being there when I needed a shoulder to lean on. Nate, thank you for always going to the movies with me on random occasions or just hanging out somewhere ranting abut Bleach! :) Courtney! Where to start?! I haven't even met you and I count you as the sister I always wanted. You are absolutely amazing and I am thankful that I have you in my life, your wallposts, texts, cards and letters always make my day. Thank you for being my friend for the past 2 years and I hope one day we can finally meet and I can hug the crap out of you. 

To my facebook, church and online friends: Thank you all for always asking about Eric, liking my things or just talking to me when I'm feeling blue. It's nice to know that even though we don't see each other on day to day basis, that people care about Eric and I and his well being when he's doing crazy things like jumping out of planes. All of you make me smile and thanks for supporting us. 

Thank you all, I know I couldn't of done this without you. Bring on 2013!!!

Frustration.

I know I say this a lot, but I can't believe in two days it will be Thanksgiving and once this week is over I will have 2 weeks of school left, it is absolutely crazy! I'm very happy that the semester is over, I'll miss my schedule but I'm sick of certain classes and I just want this semester to be over.

However, my anxiety is through the roof right now. And yes, I have an anxiety disorder which a lot of people didn't know about when I was in high school. I've been dealing with it for years, since I was in 3rd grade. My anxiety is mainly school based, especially with tests and exams but sometimes my anxiety affects me socially too. I've noticed since entering college I've become more introverted and prefer being alone than with a big group of people. It's whatever, I take medicine and talk to a doctor regularly  I deal with it and try not to let anxiety rule my life.

Moving on!

I can't stand the Marine Corp right now, Eric has been in Japan for 2 years this month and I just am seriously about to lose it with the command in Okinawa. He was actually supposed to be home THIS MONTH, but his time extended an extra month. His gear is all turned in so why is figuring out when he comes home is so hard? This isn't rocket science and paperwork should take 2+ weeks to do...

SO WHY DON'T WE KNOW WHEN HE IS COMING HOME?!

I'm just upset because its been our experience (Eric's and mine) that when the USMC takes a long time to figure out something, Eric's leave has gotten screwed over and his leave was shortened or cut in half. He's supposed to have 45 days and frankly I would be happy if he got more than 10 days but I just don't want this to get screwed up. He's just been away for too long and I don't want the USMC to mess this up for him. Eric deserves to be home for awhile.

I am just so frustrated with everything right now, with school, with the USMC....

I just want to know when my future husband will be home...is that too much to ask?

2 years.

This really isn't a update, just a milestone really...

2 years ago today Eric left for for a 2 year deployment in Japan...and in a few weeks, 

he will be home for good

November 2010, at the airport before he left for Japan

and then we were apart for four months, November-March

He then went to jump school in Fort Benning, Georgia. 

My mom and I flew down to see him.

Eric got some leave after jump school and was able to come back to Ohio for a few days in April:

After April he was gone for 8 months..and came home for Christmas 2011

In January he went to Freefall school for a month in Arizona.

I flew out to see him.

After that we were apart for 7 months, till he came home in July

:) 

can't wait till you are finally home babe!

ハッピネス

I cannot believe that it's November! I am actually really happy that it's November, but at the same time I'm like...HOLY CRAP ITS NOVEMBER! There is a lot going this month, Veterans Day break, my mom's birthday, Thanksgiving break and before you know, boom! November will be over! I am really excited for Christmas because of a few reasons, I love Christmas, second Kent gets a COMPLETE month off this year and lastly Eric will be back in the states for good. I am so excited for him to be home...he will be home longer than 4 days and more than 10 days. Ever since Eric has been sent to Japan for a 2 year deployment, he has never gotten more than 10 days of leave. I am so thankful and excited.

However, I have a lot to do this month! I want to hangout with my friends, start making Christmas presents, finish my room and actually paint it, hangout with family and get a head start on my final papers for this semester. A lot of my classes actually don't have final exams, instead you write a paper which counts for your final. So I would really like to get those papers started and maybe even finished before or right after Thanksgiving.

So my goals for this month are:

To get our outdoor Christmas decorations up early, to study my butt off and get my papers started, to bake/cook something for Thanksgiving, get a new pair of boots for a low price and save up more money/change!

The name of my blog means "victory" in katakana, I want this month to be productive so December won't be so crazy! 

Wish me luck~

21.

This has been worst October I've ever had in 21 years of living. Usually my Octobers consist of schoolwork, doing crafts, doing things with family, decorating, movies and celebrating my birthday along with my dad's. But half of that stuff didn't happen; when Mamaw decided that she wasn't going to do anything about being sick/refuse treatment...Mom and I spend every free minute (including my weekends at home) over at Mamaw's and running around. Not that I minded, the last 3 weeks I had with her were absolutely amazing and I wouldn't change anything about it minus the fact that she is gone.

I miss her, we all miss her...but she's not coming back and she's in a better place now. I just want to focus on Papaw and be the best granddaughter I can be for him at the moment. When I kissed her goodbye on the day of her funeral, I put my forehead against hers and promised I would take care of him. I plan on keeping that promise.

Anyway, I am 21 now! I can't believe that I'm not 20 anymore! I'm happy that I am a "legal" adult now and that I can do more things with Eric, but besides that...it's like...I'm 21? Yay? lol. Sunday was my birthday and my mom and I really didn't do anything fancy, just visited family and friends. My dad was actually in California so we just decided to celebrate with dinner and a cake this Saturday...which I am pretty excited for. On Saturday, my mom said she had a surprise for me and refused to tell me where we were going. We ended up at the mall which was funny to me because I know she hates the mall! She then took me to Pandora and surprise, surprise...she was buying me a Pandora bracelet!

I have always wanted a Pandora bracelet, I really just didn't say anything before because I knew how expensive it was! At first I was like "no mom! Its too much!" but after some coaxing I let her buy me a bracelet  Which I love!!! So, thanks again mom! :)

I can't believe that tomorrow is Halloween and after tomorrow it will be November. Just one more month till Eric will be back in the states for good. I still can't wrap my head around it! I'm also excited for Veteran's Day break and Thanksgiving, it will be nice to get a break from school. I feel very run down from classes lately. 

Goodbye October, I won't miss you!

The Aftermath

I have been sick since Mamaw's calling hours, so it'll be a week tomorrow. I think everything just caught up with me in the end; the running around, the emotions, the realization that she is really gone and the stress of school just beat me at the end of the day. Calling hours and the funeral went well, Mamaw had an amazing send off with her family and friends and of course, by veterans who folded a flag for her and shot guns into the air at her grave for her service in the air force. I went back to Kent Tuesday night and let me tell you, it was very weird.

It was nice being back because I do love Kent, but...I felt so out of place. I felt weird, uncomfortable and restless. And I just didn't want to be there, it was a very weird feeling. My doctor said it was all normal and that it took time but it would pass.

Sorry doc, but I am having a hard time believing ya.

I still weird, its better that I'm home and around my parents...but...the weird feeling is still there. I guess you could call it mourning. I still can't believe she's gone, ya know?

I'm just trying to take one day at a time, but its hard because I want to look forward. Eric's two year deployment in Japan is getting closer and closer to be over, but it just seems so far away. And I wish he was home, I wish we could celebrate together.

I miss my mamaw, I miss him and I just wish things were easier.

Nobody said it would be easy..

You know that song from Coldplay? The Scientist? I've been listening to it a lot because its very comforting to me. Most people think the song is about a break up but I think to me it means something more.

My mamaw died 3 days ago, October 10, 2012 peacefully in her sleep.

She was very sick and fought so many years of her life trying to stay healthy but in the end she was just tired. She even told me herself she was tired and that "she was ready to go see Jesus." Which was funny because 3 years ago her son, my father said the exact same thing after he came home after his heart surgery.

I'm glad she's not suffering anymore, but I don't know what to feel or how to feel.

One minute...I'm fine, the next I'm mad...angry at everyone. The minute after that I'm crying and upset and then I'm calm and fine the minute after last. Who knows if that's normal but my emotions are all over the place right now.

I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to be around anyone, I don't want to worry about school or anything...I just want to mourn. Some place quiet with no one around where I can curl up in a blanket and just mourn with no one to bother me.

I miss and love you Mamaw, I wish things could of been different the past few years but I'm glad we had the last few weeks together.

Nobody said it would be easy, nobody said it would be this hard...

The Scientist Glee cover

Hello October.

Its my birthday month! The leaves are starting to change color and fall is slowly making its way into our lives.  Usually I would be freaking out about it because I can't stand the cold and my allergies usually go crazy, but I'm ready for it. I want this month to fly by so it can be my birthday! I really am excited to be 21, even if its an odd number. Everyone gets excited for their 21st birthday because they can legally drink, eh, I think drinking is stupid really. A drink with dinner is fine, but drinking to get drunk is just silly to me, unnecessary. Once Eric is home though it'll be nice to be able to order a drink with him on our dates. I'm excited for that.

October is also really busy because its the month where I have my midterms, the only one I'm really freaked about is Japanese. I'm really hoping to remember all the hiragana and katakana, which is really my only issue in that class (along with a few grammar mix up's). Crossing my fingers!

The past two weeks I've been to the health center more than usual and have had my blood drawn a total of 6 times. My doctor believed I was severely anemic or had a thyroid problem, well, my results were neither. Get this, my doctor thinks I have a special type of blood called hereditary spherocytosis. 

Which means: congenital spherocytic anemia is a disorder of the surface layer (membrane) of red blood cells. It leads to red blood cells that are shaped like spheres, and premature breakdown of red blood cells (hemolytic anemia). We aren't 100% sure and are currently waiting for results from my second blood test, but my doctor believes that's why I've been so tired all the time. If I do have it, I am going to have to go see a blood specialist to get adequate care. It can be cured there are just certain things that need to be done, I should get the results soon. I just don't want to be tired anymore!

That's all I have for now~ but since it is my birthday month I decided to spice up my wish list with things I would like to get this month or what I would like for my birthday!

Pokemon Black 2, Sephora gift card  Hobby Lobby gift card  a shopping trip to Forever 21, Taylor Swift's RED CD, Birth by Sleep and a cherry blossom cake.

No words.

Things have been kind of crazy lately and in all honesty, I cannot believe tomorrow is Thursday. September is flying by! Not that I'm complaining or anything its just crazy how quickly things are going!

Today I was able to check off one of my bucket list items at the age of 20! I got to see and hear a president in person. I saw Barack Obama at my college tonight and it was such an amazing and crazy experience! First of all, tickets were given out on Monday at 9AM. There were people who got their place in line at 3:30AM, no joke! And I have no idea why, but apparently..KSU gave out 10,000 tickets and only 4,000 were supposed to get into the MACC. Who knows if that was true but I believe there were 6,000 in the MACC total. Anyway, I went to my first class and the line was literally half a mile long when I got out. So Isaac and I were in line till 11AM-3:45PM..it wasn't so bad until it started raining. Did I mention how much I hate rain?

But...in the end, Obama was worth it.

He has to be one of the most inspirational people I have ever heard and I am so glad that I got to experience something at such a young age. I am so thankful and I feel very inspired, like a colt ready to run. 

Besides seeing Obama, I've been busy with school and trying to keep a social life too. Its just been tough because I am tired, all the time. To the point where I am so sick of it I got blood work done yesterday. The doctor I saw on campus believes I am severely anemic or I have a thyroid problem...I go back tomorrow to figure out what's going on. I just don't want to be this tired all the time so I am praying its something minor that can be easily fixed.

In a few more days, it will be a month since I've heard from Eric and I couldn't be more pissed. Last year when he was on ship, he believed that not calling me made time faster...so he hardly called me. It wasn't because he was too busy or too tired, he just didn't call. And now I believe he's repeating what he did last year and once again, I am madder than hell. However, the ship's facebook page has said that phone cards and MOTO mail (which is when you can type an e-mail to your guy and sent it to the ship, where they will print out the message and give it your marine/sailor) hasn't been working. So basically! No one has heard from their sailor/marine in over a month which is pretty freaking sad considering marines/soldiers in Afghanistan have better communication and they are in the desert!!! Either way, Eric has been on that ship since the end of August...the systems stopped working 3 weeks ago which means he could of contacted me before things went psycho.

I have no idea where he is. I have no idea what is going on. And I've gotten to the point where I am so mad that I can't think about Eric or anything that deals with him because if I do, I'll drive myself crazy.

The bad thing about this silence is that it makes me question everything, which is probably just god testing me. I worry about him going back to Japan, getting online and writing me saying he doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to be with me. Isn't that sad? I just can't let my thoughts go in that direction of negativity, I need to focus on whats going on in front of me: school and waiting. 

My last thoughts for this blog entry is this:

I've never heard silence this loud. 

Oi Vey.

Is it October yet? Or November? I'm ready for fires, my birthday, fall food, fall decor, leaves changing, boots and the holidays. I feel like time is moving soooo slowly! Enough of my wishing..

So first of all, I am so proud of myself for making my blog look pretty! It literally took me a few hours to move this here, add this here and edit a few final touches..but I am happy with the way it looks. Maybe those computer classes on HTML I took in high school were useful afterall.

School is school, but this semester so far has been fantastic. I am having so much fun with Japanese and learning it (the only thing with part of that class that is giving me trouble is the writing. Note: if Hiragana was a person, I would of punched them in the face by now..true story.) I love all the people I live with and I am actually finding it hard to balance my social time with them and my school work! Something I never had to do before, lol!

I tried out for Kent's Glee singing group last week and I completely bombed my audition. Oh my gosh! I was fine right before I walked into it! I knew all the words by heart, I was nervous but it was a good kind of nervous! As soon as I walked into the audition room though...I saw a camera..and completely freaked out. Halfway through I forgot the words and yeah...lol. So I didn't make the group, but just because someone didn't answer their door doesn't mean that I'm not going to keep knocking! Or I'll try another door you know? I'm just proud of myself for putting myself out there.

It was Eric's birthday yesterday, my boy turned 24. I was very sad throughout the day because all I wanted to do was wish him a happy birthday, just a chance for him to listen to me sing to him and say..."Happy Birthday Eric, 24! Wow my future husband is old!" you know? Something just silly...but I just kept wishing my phone would ring...and it never did.

Its been 18 days since I've heard from him. 

My mom and I went to Yankee Peddler yesterday and it was a shock of how different things were. For my entire life (and even before!) that place used to be packed! Vendors and food everywhere..but this year it wasn't even close to what it used to be. But, it was a great day to be outside and I really enjoyed the time with my mother. I just wish someone else could of been there with me.

But, I'm thankful that I have her.

September wishes

I am so glad August is over, that month has to be one of the months I dread the most. Probably because its the end of summer and no matter what you do, its in the back of your mind that your summer is running out.

However, this semester has to be the best schedule/classes I've ever had. One, since I don't have a math course I don't have to go to tutoring for 5 extra hours a week. I literally have two classes a day (minus Wednesday) and I have lots of time to get things done in between. I also have awesome people who I'm living with this year too! I live in a dorm where two rooms share a bathroom (AKA a suite) so I have a roommate and two suitemates. All three of them are so nice and so far its been a lot of fun living with them. Completely different from the past two years I've stayed there, its just a nice atmosphere.

Classes are going great! My history classes are fun and most of them seem to be pretty basic, read the books, write papers and very few midterms in between. Which is amazing because last semester, I literally had midterms every 2-3 weeks, lol. Japanese is my absolute favorite class this semester and I am so glad that I switched my major to be able to take any history class and a language.

My senesi (teacher) is American Japanese and is originally from Ohio. She just got back a few weeks ago from teaching English in Tokyo for the past 4 years. She's very sweet and helpful, I am very lucky that I got a language teacher at Kent who can speak Japanese and English clearly! Most of the language teachers at Kent are foreign and can hardly speak English, lol. The only thing I'm struggling with in Japanese is the characters/writing. I am horrible at drawing but remembering each word/character/symbol that goes with everything AND on top of that drawing them correctly is like ahhhhhhhhh. Hopefully just writing them over and over will make me memorize/draw them perfectly. Did you know that Japan has 3 alphabets?

I heard from Eric the other day, he actually called me which was nice because I hadn't heard his voice in over a month. We talked for a few minutes and then he told me that was going to be the last time I will hear from him in awhile because he was about to go back on ship and float to his locations. It was hard because neither of us wanted to hang up the phone or say goodbye, we literally were silent for like 20 seconds before he said I love you, goodbye and hung up. I pray that his sailing is smooth and the next few months will fly by because I miss him so much. I just want him in the states.

Anyway, I have always liked September because of everything that is going on during the weekends. Yankee Peddler, Mum Festival, Ciderfest and random Flea Markets. I also like to enjoy the last nice warm weather we get and just the fresh start of school. Yankee Peddler though is my absolute favorite, I can't wait for cold cider and roast beef sandwiches, mmmm!

I am going to start a new thing on my blog where at every start of each month where I'll be posting a wish list of items I would like to get over that month. (Trying to fit into the blog world, haha!)

Maybelline lipstick, Sperrys, Maybelline eyebrow pencil, try and get a jar full of extra change,  $15 iTunes card, Kingdom Hearts symbol necklace, lipstick holder and a mermaid necklace from Etsy.

Here's hoping that September turns out to be a good month!

Saynora Summer Days

My summer vacation is officially over, I've moved into my dorm and in less than a week I will be starting my third year at Kent State. I really wasn't excited to go back to be honest; for the past two years I've dealt with two psycho roommates and mega, MEGA issues with my math and sciences classes. I spent hours dealing with both of those subjects and I only have 1 more math and science class to take and I am done with those subjects forever. Thank god. However, I'm only dealing with science this semester. The real challenge for me  the next few months is going to be...

Japanese.

I am so excited to finally, finally learn Japanese. Its been a dream of mine since I was 5, I love Japan so much and I am so happy that I can check another goal off my bucket list. Then again though, I am horrible at memorizing things..when I took Spanish in high school it was an absolute train wreck! lol.

I do have a very good feeling that this is going to be a good year at Kent for me or at least a good fall semester. I really hope it will be.

This summer I didn't get to do everything I've wanted to do and that is okay because it was mostly a good summer. I got to travel a lot! Vegas and the beach! Hocking Hills! Getting to see Eric, seeing friends, getting wedding stuff done and hanging out with my mom. It was nice.

I also learned a lot this summer, I'll just name a few.

1. My mother is always going to be right no matter how annoyed, mad, or happy I am with her.
2. Some people may be 20-30 years older than me, but they never left high school.
3. Money doesn't grow on trees
4. Animals/pets are EXPENSIVE.
5. You need to limit your access to electronics or you are seriously going to lose all track of time.
6. People may act like nice and friendly to your face, but at the end of the day they really haven't changed.
7. Never go to bed angry, you seriously won't be able to sleep.
8. Don't put things off, get things done now so you don't have to do them later.
9. Always be the bigger person.
and lastly:
10. Enjoy the time you have, enjoy now.

In exactly 4 months, Eric is going to be home from his 2 year deployment in Japan and the only thing that is standing in my way of seeing him again is this semester. I actually feel like a warrior riding into my last battle.

Bring it on Kent.

Final Countdown

On Monday I'll have a week left till I move back to Kent, usually I would have another week till I move in but I am working welcome weekend so I get to move in early, this will also be my second year working welcome weekend. Move in Monday the 20th, Welcome Weekend training the next day for a few hours and then you have Wednesday off and then you work random events from Thursday to Sunday evening and classes start Monday. No big deal, you get to move in early with no hassle for parking etc and you also get $50 flash cash which is nice if you live on campus.

In all honesty, I rather spend that extra week at home! But I know I have to do whats easier for my mom and that is moving in on Monday which I understand...I just wish things were different.

This semester shouldn't be hard, really..I'm just going to need to study and focus more I think. I'm not taking a math class so thats a HUGE weight off my shoulders, but with all my history classes and starting my language (Japanese) I'm going to need to put all my focus into it. However I have a feeling thats going to be a challenge....because sometimes I have an attention span of a squirrel lol.

In the meantime, I am trying to see people and do certain things before I leave. Its frustrating too at times because all of my friends literally work 1-2 jobs in the summer and its hard to work around their schedules. Its also frustrating because my summer job (for the moment anyway, I might be umpiring in the fall) is over and everything costs money. Besides running around and seeing people, I am also trying to finish my room!

And my mom got me an amazing surprise yesterday!

New dressers! I love them so much! I can't wait to paint them and put them in my room! My room is coming together, its just taking longer than intended..but in the end, its going to get done and I am so excited. Mom and I just got paint samples yesterday too...I think we are going to paint my walls grey and all my furniture blue! 

I still haven't heard from Eric, its been a week now but its okay. I'm not upset or angry, I just wish I knew where he was. On a ship or still in Fuji? Either way I just miss him, but I think not talking to him is making time go faster...or maybe its just me.

Wrapping up this summer and everything will be okay...

I think.

Time

Lately I feel like someone is controlling me like a puppet; pulling my strings tightly, watching me fall and laugh..tangling my strings crushing me. I don't feel like I'm the master of my own universe, if that makes sense. More than anything, I'm angry right now.

I hate time. It goes fast, it goes slow, it lingers, it goes by too quick...it ends. I hate it so much because I never have enough of it and once I do, I don't know what to do with it and then it passes and I'm back to having no time again.

I'm angry that I have little under 3 weeks of school left and I have a lot of stuff to do on my summer bucket list left. Not only that, I have to get ready for school and prepare for starting my life up there again. I have some wedding details I need to get to, I need to paint my room, I need to see people and friends I won't get to see as often, I need to read more of my books that I love to read for fun while I can.

I'm angry at myself because once again, I let time slip through my fingers. I'm angry because I feel like the last 3 weeks of my summer are going to be full of drama and I won't get anything done. Eric is gone for 2 months basically because he's going to be on a ship soon, which is fine because he'll be safe. But we won't talk and I know I won't hear from him which will be hard.

Thats another thing I hate about time! I never get enough time with him and when I do, people ruin that time with him. The time we spend together has to be worth-while and precious, because he doesn't get the luxury like the US based marines do. He has never, EVER in his whole 2 and a half years of being the marines, gotten 2 weeks of leave. The highest days of leave he has gotten is 10.

I hate that my time isn't my own, I really feel like its not. I feel like someone is toying with me! Making time go fast or slow...never giving me enough. GIVING ME A TIME LIMIT TO BE HAPPY.

I just feel so angry right now. So, so, angry.

Time

Time is slow, picks up pace to a steady rhythm then slow dies out again.

Flash forward

I cannot believe that July is almost over, I am in serious shock! I do not want July to be over, I do not want it to be August because it just means that I'll have to go back to Kent. Do I miss Kent? Yes! Do I miss all the stress that comes with it? No! This semester should be an awesome one! I'm taking 4 history classes, Japanese and a Nutrition class that counts as a science. Hopefully I won't lose my mind over those classes; the only thing I'm really worried about is my living situation...considering my last 2 roommates went completely psycho on me.

Another thing that surprises me is time, usually in summer time becomes slower for me..long drags of just nothing. But not this summer, time is flying by! It probably didn't help that I was gone for a month, but then again its worth it! I still have a lot to do, my room is getting there but its not to a point where I can paint it..that needs to get done because I am not living another year here staring at fading, purple flower wallpaper, nope!

I am also happy to announce that I'll be opening a shop called Amorette's Grotto where I'll selling homemade jewelry among other crafty things. I want to get some items made this week and open the shop hopefully sometime this week. I'm very excited about it too, I've always wanted to do something like this! I'll be posting links to shop very soon :)

Eric has been busy with training a lot more than usual lately, the night he got back to Japan...he had two hours of sleep before he was flying back to Fuji for a training operation. Crazy huh? But he seems to be doing well, complains and rants to me every now and then, but I don't mind. I do wish we could call each other and actually have a normal conversation, but considering the net can't keep us connected its highly unlike that I'll hear him before December. I missed him a lot last week, the first 7 days is always the hardest for some reason. I'm excited for him to come home for a long period of time, I'm excited he'll 2 states away from me, I'm excited that we will be able to text and call again and I'm excited to marry him. However with the way certain people have been acting we might elope before next July, so who knows! lol.

Summer is fading and I need to make things happen!



Flash forward and we’re taking on the world together,& there’s a drawer of my things at your place. You learn my secrets and you figure out why I’m guarded, you say we’ll never make my parents’ mistakes.


You are the best thing, thats ever been mine~

Sick of goodbye.

Its been awhile since I last wrote anything, considering I've been on the run the past month its a miracle that I'm not dead or something..because I have been running non-stop. Not that I mind, I love to travel! Vegas was beautiful and Myrtle Beach was great as always. My parents and I had a great time at the condo, it was nice to swim in the Atlantic and cover my toes in the sweet sand. However, for the first time in my life...I couldn't wait to get back to Ohio.

Because I was harboring a secret from many, many people. Eric got leave somehow and was coming home.

Which was supposed to be a happy, nice getaway leave...(and for the most part it was.) turned into a stressful time. For the first 3 days of Eric's leave, we went to Hocking Hills which was absolutely fabulous! The people that worked there, the cabin, just getting away from everything to just be with each other...was amazing. There are no words to describe how once you don't see someone every day or every other day, you forget things: the sound of their voice, the warmth of their laugh, how vivid the color of their eyes are, how everything changes once they are back in your arms. Eric and I had a good time, we really wanted this leave to catch up and keep our relationship in check. We needed to see each other, we needed that time together. But every time Eric takes leave, something freaking happens! The turtle (my car) acts up, he gets sick, someone that we didn't get to see gets mad, people are mad because he's not there with them and doing something else. Really, it is one of the most frustrating things I have ever had to deal with..the petty-ness, the jealously, the tug o war when it comes to Eric's time when he is home...drives me insane to the point where I want to punch someone in the face. Me on the other hand, I don't care what we are doing as long as I'm with Eric and he is happy. Thats all I care about. Like always though, time went too fast! Our time at the cabin ended, engagement pictures were taken and the next thing I knew..we were back at the airport and I was kissing him goodbye. Isn't it funny that airports can be both happy and sad places?

Everything is just a blur to me right now, I can't believe that just hours ago I was with Eric. It really kills me to type that or think that...he was in my arms just hours ago. Time is a cruel mistress, for the past 7 months it went by fast! Just ticking away, but today..one of the hardest days I've had in awhile is slowly, ever so slowly taking its time to end. I want today to end, I want to wake up tomorrow and start over because my summer vacation is also ticking away. I still have lots of things I want to do and I really need to get my butt in gear.

I wish I could just close my eyes and open them and be on Christmas break in December but we all know that life doesn't work like that. I have to go back to school, deal with classes, tests, loud/rude/crazy people and several other things. The only thing that will keep going is this: next time Eric is in the states, whenever that may be...he will be home for good. We'll be together and a few more months after that...spring then summer we'll be married and hopefully I'll be moving to North Carolina to be with him.

Next summer I'm going to marry my best friend and be at his side, instead of thousands of miles apart. Nothing will keep (minus the Marine Corp occasionally :P) us apart and these horrible goodbyes won't have to happen anymore.

I look forward to that day.

What happens in Vegas..ends up on my blog.

What a whirlwind the past week has been! I love the West, I thought Arizona was great (still do!) but Nevada was just as amazing too. I love the heat and so my allergies, I didn't sniffle or hardly anything when I was out there. It was so great...to feel "normal" for once.

The hotel we stayed at was amazing too, when you walked into the lobby they had a small pond with koi fish and swans! Their names were Priscilla and Elvis, too funny. We were also close to the strip but still far enough from the craziness; the traffic reminded of New York City, the drivers were pretty insane but it wasn't that bad but still crazy! My dad had a few choice words for them sometimes when we were driving though, lol. I loved the city, the casinos themes were pretty cool and when I say they went all out, they went all out. My favorite Casinos were the Venetian, Treasure Island and Luxor (which I didn't to go into but was still able to take pictures.) The Venetian was insane! Inside the ceiling had clouds and it was like walking outside in Italy and they even had a river running through the "mini" city with gondolas!

We even saw a couple get married on one of the arches as gondola's went under it which was pretty cool, some of the couple's family were there and a crowd surrounded the area clapping and cheering. It made me smile (and made me even consider getting married there if wedding planning becomes too much for me! lol!).

While my dad went to work for a few hours, I laid out by the pool which was usually empty when I went out to visit. The pool was incredible, probably the most amazing pool I have ever seen. It had two hot tubs shaded under Palm Trees, while the pool had a small waterfall you could lay under or jump into. I know it may sound crazy, but I preferred the hot tub. It was about 106-108 degrees every day, but I didn't mind the heat! I would lay in the hot tub for a bit then get out, listen to music or read. It was great! I read the first Hunger Games book at the pool and honestly I wasn't that impressed. The world it was set in was very interesting, but besides that..really didn't enjoy it that much...kids killing kids. Okay? lol. I might read it again, who knows maybe I'll like it better. Anyway, I don't know what it is about getaways and vacations but they really make you think about things.

While I stayed at the pool for those few hours every day I thought what was going in my life, what I had did in the past few months, the past year, what I've done since I graduated. It was nice reflecting on myself and even my future, but it also made me a little bit disappointed in what I haven't done and it made me want to focus on more things that I want to do..while I can still do them.

More than ever though, being in Vegas made me miss Eric more than usual. Couples were everywhereg and even though most of the time I ignore them and look the other way, I couldn't do that in Sin City...they were literally everywhere. And it made me sad that my marine wasn't there with me.

I really hope I can go back with Eric someday and enjoy/explore Vegas more. It was a wonderful experience and I know for a fact I belong in the West!

Now off to the beach Tuesday!

Baseball.

Things are starting to get busy. After 7 days off from Baseball I'm starting to umpire a lot again, I had a game yesterday, today, Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. Honestly, who knows if I'll get any more games after that because June 25-28th I am going to Las Vegas with my Dad. Once we get back to Ohio we are leaving for the beach! I am soooooo excited to go back to Myrtle Beach, so, so excited!

I miss the Beach and I miss the Condo we stay at too. I really do love that place, hardly any people, quiet and only a small walk from to the Beach. I am so excited to go back. 

I love umpiring, this is my 3rd year umpiring and considering I played Baseball (with guys) till I was 13 and played softball till I was 19..I am pretty sure I know what I'm doing. I've read the rules over and over and I know how the game like the back of my hand. This year, I've really only worked with the 11 and 12 year olds and sometimes the 13-14 year olds. The 11 and 12 boys are my absolute favorite! I've known most of those boys because when I started umpiring they were in the lower leagues, so the past 3 years I've gotten to know these boys pretty well and watched them grow as ball players. Most of the time, the games are fun! The boys play hard and at that level (11 and up!) they pretty much know what they are doing (most of the time, haha!) so the games go well. Sometimes a coach complains and parents chime in, but so far this year...I haven't had any real problems.

However, with both Stow and Wadsworth teams the head coaches refused to shake my hand at the before the game coaches meeting and ran their mouths throughout both games complaining that I was a girl, said that I didn't know what I was doing because I was female.

Never, ever in my life...have I been discriminated so much because of my gender. It has really opened my eyes to being discriminated against. I can't even imagine if there are so many people who are against me umpiring because I am female, how hard is for Asian, Latin, Black, Hispanic, LBGT community and other nationalities to survive in this country? No wonder there are so many problems in this country and we can't get anything done in Washington! Sheesh!

Last night, when I umpired a 9-10 year old game...it was absolute chaos. The game hadn't even went on for 5 minutes before the parents and coaches were screaming. Usually when someone yells at me or disagrees with a call I make, I ignore them. I look the other way and act as if they aren't even there, because frankly..I don't care. I know I made the right call, if someone is out I will call them out and if someone is safe I'll call them safe. Last night was probably the most infuriating game I had to umpire. One, because the coaches and parents who screamed, yelled, tried to start a fist fight on the field and told my partner to go die (because he's elderly but not that elderly!) were setting horrible examples for their kids. Two, at that age they are learning HOW to play the game; yes, its the playoffs and both teams want to win, I understand that..I've been there. But acting like animals and setting bad examples for the kids isn't going to help any of that.

Today and most of next week, I am with the same age group and the same field. From today on, I am telling both teams..if anyone says a word to me or yells or screams or becomes violent...I am throwing them out of the game and if things become worse..I am calling the police.

I am not putting up with anymore crap from sexist, rude, idiotic people..who know nothing about the game of Baseball. I don't get paid enough to put up with this psycho-ness. I love the kids and I love the game and that is why I umpire.

And I am not going to let any hateful people stop me from doing what I love.

Thankful.

I just want to take a moment and just say how thankful I am for certain people in my life, thankful for the places I've been able to go to and for experiences (both good and bad) I've been able to have. Thankful that I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach...thankful that all my animals are well and healthy.

I am thankful that my Grammy is starting to walk again (slowly!) after hip replacement surgery a few months back. I am thankful that I am umpiring again, even though it has its ups and downs...I love my boys and wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. I am thankful that I have such amazing parents, my mom works so hard and puts everyone around her first before herself. She is amazing. My father and I don't always get along, but I know he'll always be my dad and  throughout it all he'll be there for me, no matter what.

Lastly, I am thankful for the man I have by my side. I am so blessed to have such an amazing, caring, supportive person to share the rest of my life with.

Thank you God for all of this and so much more, I am so thankful and happy.

Memorial Day 2012

April, May, June and July always makes me think of where I was two years ago: still in High school, fighting to get out of there and waiting for Eric to finish with boot camp. It was one of the worst and best experiences of my life; running to the mail box every day, staying up 3 days in a row with Eric during the Crucible...wrapping my arms around him during Family Day hearing his voice and not recognizing him because he was screaming so much.

And I am just so proud of Eric and all of his accomplishments that he has done with the USMC. I can't wait to start our lives together and I can't wait to be his wife, a marine wife. The respect and thanks that I had for active military personnel and Veterans before Eric joined the marines, only increased when he became one.

I've always been thankful of our Veterans and active military personnel. I have very little good memories of high school but I will always remember my Freshman year, the first Veteran's Day Assembly I went to. There was a  veteran who was in a wheel chair and had participated in The Battle of the Bulge during World War Two. Even though he couldn't walk or stand very well, when his song played...that man stood up while his legs shook beneath him. I remember sitting in the choir section crying my eyes out watching that man.

I know that I will always be thankful to our Veterans, past and present for as long as I live. What they give up, what they sacrifice so that I can be free and have the freedom to do whatever I want means the absolute world to me. It makes me sick that we have so many men and women giving up their lives in the desert across the Atlantic and that most of the country doesn't care about those people or even remembers that we STILL have people over there. What makes me even more upset is that a lot of people (and maybe even some of you reading this) doesn't support our military. We still have husbands, boyfriends, brothers, sisters, fathers deploying for months and months...away from their loved ones, family and friends and it breaks my heart to not see this country care.

My mom and I are going to visit the Ohio Cemetery today and I know that I will cry seeing all the men and women who were put to rest there. I will never forget why I am free and I will always honor those who gave up everything, even their own lives so that I can be free.

Thank you Active Military personnel and Veterans past and present. Freedom is not free. 

I never thought things would be like this.

Sometimes I close my eyes and imagine myself in the future...five years from now and sometimes it makes me smile, other times it scares me. I don't know what is wrong with the world or this country, jobs are hard to find and people are going through rough patches in their lives.

Eric joined the marines because of several reasons: becoming a marine and fighting for his country was always a dream of his ever since he was young, he was struggling with school and didn't like it in general and lastly, he just felt stuck. He wanted (and needed) to change for the better. The marines would help him start over with his life and they did. The Marine Corp promised him a duty station close to home, North Carolina and a certain job..but both of those promises didn't happen. He went from Radio Operator to Recon and got stationed across the world to Okinawa, Japan for 24 months (2 years). To make even things even more annoying, his time in Japan got extended to 28 months awhile back and he is supposed to be back in the states FOR GOOD February 2013. He was originally supposed to be back in the states November 2012.

In all honesty, I really wanted (and still do!) him to rejoin the Marines because there is nothing in the job market and there's nothing especially in Ohio. Another reason why I want him to continue on with the marines is all that Recon training! Why let all that training go to waste? I truly believe he can do something great if he continues on with the marines. However we found out that the marines aren't really taking back any more marines in his job area. He was going to continue with either radio operating or Recon. But now..with all the cutbacks (BECAUSE EVERYONE AND THEIR BROTHER ARE JOINING MARINES/OTHER BRANCHES OF THE MILITARY ><) going on, he might just end up with Recon..which isn't bad..it just gives us less options.

Its just a really bad feeling, not knowing whats going or having an idea of what is going to happen next. I really hope he gets stationed somewhere east coast or the south. Above everything and even my own feelings, I want him to get stationed where it will help with his job, no matter where that is at. I'm kind of scared though, I want to be with Eric no matter what but I am also afraid of leaving my animals, some friends , family and most of all my mom behind.

Am I really brave enough to leave everything and everyone I know to be with Eric? Sometimes I think I am and sometimes I don't.

There is a feeling in my gut that is telling me that 2013 is going to be the year that in which I'll have to look forward without knowing where I'm going. I just hope that I am strong enough to deal with the trials and tests that are going to pop out in front of me in the near future.

Home at last!

As my mom and I were clearing out the last of my belongings in my room, I sat on my bed one last time and looked out the window. I'm on the fourth floor in my dorm and it has a really nice view of trees where a lot of Black Squirrels like to play. When I was upset or just so frustrated with something, I would look out that window and for some odd reason, I would feel better.

Its been a really rough year for me; my first semester was absolutely chaos dealing with another bad roommate and hardly talking to Eric because he was on ship for 3 months. Not only that was going on, but once again (thanks to the lovely education of Norton City Schools!) I was struggling with math and now science. Somehow though, I got through my first semester and came home to a wonderful break with my family, animals and I was lucky enough to see Eric come home. Not only that, I got to fly to Arizona to see him as well which was amazing.

Once I got back to Kent after Arizona, I was once again living alone. Which was great! I was so happy and relieved that my evil roommate moved out and I had my wonderful room to my own again. However even with my roommate gone, I still had other issues to deal with. My RA was never, ever in her room which was so frustrating! Half of my floor (for some odd reason!) was half freshmen, who really didn't seem to ever sleep or care about their grades at all. Why do I say this? These people would blast their music and literally be up all night. The guys next door to me would blast their music so loud that everything in my room would shake. No matter how many times I knocked on their door to try ask them to please turn their music down, they wouldn't answer or talk to me. So basically dorm security and I became best friends this Spring semester, lol.

I also struggled with math and science again which isn't a surprise, but I got through it. I studied my butt off for math, went to tons of tutoring sessions and passed. Now I only have one more math class to take and I'll be done with math forever. I'm pretty sure I did well with my other classes as well, considering they are history and writing :)

But this year taught me a lot about myself and other people. And even though there were nights when I was so upset over school and other personal things, that I would cry myself to sleep and days that would make me so angry that I wanted to hit something, I wouldn't trade it for anything because those experiences made me a much stronger person. I love Kent and even though at the moment I am sick of that place, I will always love Kent. And in a few weeks, I know I'll miss it and want to go back.

I'm so happy to be home though. It was so nice having my dog, Winston just jump up on me last night and stay with me for like 45 minutes. It was awesome having my cat Lily, open my bedroom door and kiss me goodnight. I feel much better too, the pressure of school is off my back till August and it is a wonderful feeling, let me tell you! lol!

I have such high hopes for this summer! Goals and things I want to do, people and places I want to see. Its a lot, but I really want to make the most of it. I don't know if I'll see Eric or not, but if I don't then I'll just keep myself busy with summer plans and wedding planning. In all honesty, I'm just happy we get to talk..even if it is just for a minute or two.

I really want to make this summer a good one, here's hoping that I'll stay focused on my goals!

Summertime, I've got you on my mind.

I'll be blunt, I hate school. I love my history classes and random classes like College Writing..but the other classes I have to take such as the science ones...I just hate. The professor I have for Life on Planet Earth is absolutely insane. He's told the class several times that if you believe in god you are stupid, he gets into people's faces, invades personal space...I just can't stand him or that class. Yesterday was horrible and what happened in that class just made me want to just quit school all together. Its over and done with, but I just wish I didn't have to makeup a test for that class so I don't have to see this idiot. 

I have 10 days left and I am done May 1st, but it seems so far away. I still have a lot to do, lots of studying so I'll be doubt I'll be online that much which kinda sucks..but, if all my studying is going to get me good grades on my finals then I guess its worth it. My head is better though which is nice, I still get dizzy when I lay down though but I'm thankful it only happens when I lay down. 

I just can't stop thinking about summer! I have a list of books I want to read thats probably 2 pages long, I have like 3 animes I want to watch and I cannot wait to redo my room and paint it, CANNOT WAIT. This summer I really just want to be happy and focus on myself and spending time with my family and friends because, afterall it will be my last summer at home really. 

I miss Eric! I've talked to him a few times and every time I really needed to talk to him, he's always cheered me up no matter what. I'm so glad that I get to talk to him too, even if its for a minute. I cherish each and every time we get to. I can't wait till he's back in Japan so we can talk regularly again, it'll be nice!

Hopefully these 10 days will go by fast, I'm so ready for summer. So ready to feel free again! I'm sick of my anxiety going through the roof because of school, I feel like once May 1st comes I'll be able to breathe again without choking. 

So here's what happened:

I had an accident yesterday, which left me in the ER for 4 (almost 5!) hours along with a concussion and a bad neck strain along with a horrible ugly cast around my neck.

Lets rewind to boot camp class: We were playing non-stop tag, always moving with 3 people who were "it" if you got tagged you had to do 20 push ups, 20 mountain climbers or 20 burpees. Now I was one of the people who were "it" and I was about to tag someone when this kid comes out of nowhere and literally shoves me to the ground. My left leg went behind my right and my neck hit the floor (we were inside the MACC annex in one of the gyms) and then bounced hitting my head. Now...for a few seconds everything was black, but then like 2 seconds later I started screaming. Now my instructor ran over to me right away and then I realized what happened, stopped screaming and just laid there. I couldn't feel my left shoulder and my head and neck hurt so much that it was excruciating.

After talking about it for awhile with my instructor and my mom over the phone, we decided to go to the health center first before calling the squad. However when I got to the health center in the lobby I almost fell over because I got super dizzy. Thankfully enough, 7 nurses basically jumped over the counter and grabbed me before I could fall. It was pretty funny though watching those elderly nurses hold me up, considering I'm 5'7 and most of them were 5'4 and 5'3.

The head doctor of Dewese looked at me and said he couldn't do anything really, I needed CAT scans and head scans and that they needed to call the squad. After a horrible, bumpy ride to Akron General and a crying fit over getting a stupid IV in my arm DURING THE BUMPY CAR RIDE, we made it to the hospital.

Now, I have an anxiety disorder...my head was throbbing because of the bumpy car ride, I was strapped down to the point where I couldn't move...so once we got there I started crying my eyes out because I got really scared. So what do these lovely bitchy nurses do? They start telling me to calm down and got real mean with me. Like really? So once I calmed down, the doctor looked at me and said I needed scans and pain meds. After waiting a few hours, with pain meds in my system and scans done...they came to the conclusion that I have a bad concussion along with a neck strain.

So I am okay, but I hurt and my neck is very sore. My head doesn't hurt that very badly but when I move around I still get a bit dizzy. The only few things that is annoying that I had to miss classes and tutoring today, wearing this stupid collar and that kid who pushed me.

All I can say is...I can't believe I got taken down by tag. Really Katy?

Hello & Goodbye.

Eric got back from South Korea on Saturday and we thought he would be back in Okinawa for a few months but he got orders to get back on ship to go to the Philippines for another 3 weeks. Which really upset me because I know we wouldn't be able to talk during that time and it made me even sadder because I know we couldn't talk on Easter. Its times like these that really make me want to punch the marine corp in the face.

The good thing about all this, is that when he goes back Oki is that I should be in finals week or I'll be home for good and we'll be able to talk a lot more. With all the papers and the one midterm coming up for me, I'll be busy but I am going to miss him so much. I guess he's going to be jumping in the Philippines too which bothers me a bit, but I know he'll be okay...he enjoys it and knows what he's doing so I'm not that worried, but still.

I wish things were different, I wish we could talk all the time and more than ever I wish I could see him. But I know that I can't and I can't control something that can't be changed. So, I don't want to be upset..I want to keep moving forward and just finish this semester strong. Maybe this will be a good thing, it gives me motivation to get done with all this work so that once I move back home, I'll be able to talk to him again. 

The Importance of Money.

So I think my dad finally realized that I really am engaged and that I am getting married next year..so now he's trying to find a way to get me to stay here lol. He said that if he won the lottery and offered me 10 million dollars that I wouldn't get married and move away. Lol, no dad, for the record..I wouldn't.

You need money to survive in this world, which to me is frustrating at times. I'm very lucky to have what I have and I am so thankful! My family has been through hell when it comes to money because of this economy, but we've hung in there and you know what? I wouldn't have it any other way because its made me realize that you don't need money to make you happy and really you don't. I remember when Eric and I first started dating, we had no money! So we played video games and watched movies! When we did have money we used coupons and went to Swensons. I had so much fun during that time, it didn't matter that we had no money lol.

I really want to find a summer job. I love my parents they give spending money but frankly I am sick of them giving me money. I am 20 years old and I should have my own source of income. I was really hoping to work at Dayton's nursery but I was declined because they needed someone to work for them that very day and I couldn't because I was still in school. Which is so frustrating! Sometimes I rather work than go to school to be honest. I actually wish I could do that but my parents want me to go to college, which is fine because deep down I know thats the right thing to do.

However, I am 98% sure I'm going to be umpiring again, which I'm happy and excited about. I love baseball and all the kids, they are so entertaining and so much fun to watch. I really do enjoy getting to know them and watching them grow as ball players.  Plus I'm getting paid by Kent State for taking notes for the Health Center so there's some extra cash too.

I'm going to make up list for things I want to save up for: I want at least $200 for Myrtle Beach, $180 for a 3DS and I also want to start saving for Eric and mine's honeymoon :) we'll see how this goes!

Changing & Comparing.

First of all, I've had an amazing Spring Break. Either global warming is real or God decided to let some warmth come to Ohio, who knows! Either way, I'm really happy and thankful for the past 9 days. I really needed to come home, hug my animals, hangout with my mom and just relax. You know, I have been stressed out for the past few months that when I came home on Friday...everything caught up to me. I literally slept for 3 days it felt like! And this whole week I've felt like a zombie, which isn't a good feeling lol. But even with that, I've had a lovely week. I hung out with Brenna Wednesday which was nice, I love her to death :) the rest of the week my mom and I just focused on Spring cleaning and my room. We've gotten a lot done! I'm going to be really sad to leave tomorrow but at the same time, I'm ready to finish up with this semester. 5 weeks Monday!

Eric left for ship a week ago, two weeks tomorrow and he originally told me that he'll be on ship for like 2 weeks and that he would contact me soon. Well, the first week I was like, no problem! He'll call me soon, no worries! However after looking on the ship's facebook page its clear that its going to be longer than two weeks and I just wish I could talk to him. I know he has to be busy though, otherwise he would of tried to contact me. I do miss him a lot but he's on a ship so he can't get into too much trouble right? I have so many things to tell him about Spring Break, wedding planning and I just can't wait to talk to him.

Which brings me to the point of writing this blog. When I joined facebook it was the beginning of the summer when I just became a junior I believe. And I wrote status after status, stupid status' about what I was doing and complaining etc. Like, I would write a status about how I was going to sleep. What the heck? lol! Now once I was forced into a timeline, I looked back at what I used to write and I was shocked. I was such a whiny brat, like really. Its kinda funny though, looking back to seeing how I am now, I'm not the same person that I used to be and I am glad that I'm not.

Now, when I started dating Eric I wrote status' counting down when I would see him, how much I missed him...over and over again. Like, that was so unnecessary. Status' about 74, 73 days...every day again and again. No matter how much you miss someone, posting status' repeatedly of how much you miss them or how hard your relationship is...doesn't make up for the fact that you are in a long distance relationship. I don't know if you are trying to show off or if you think your relationship is better than everyone else's, but you need to stop. Its annoying. You and your significant other are a part from each other and deal with the military so apparently that makes you better than everyone else? No it doesn't.

What frustrates me the most though, is the fact that your husband is stationed in the states. Yes, Hawaii is a part of the states you know and yes, you deal with a 6 hour time difference. But guess what? I deal with a 12-14 (depends on the time change.) time difference and I am lucky if I get to talk to Eric for 20 minutes on a daily basis. Do you see me freaking out and publicly displaying my annoyances on facebook when I don't get to talk to Eric enough? No.

So do me a favor, keep your relationship to yourself and not on facebook. And please, PLEASE don't compare your relationship to others, especially mine. Compared to what I go through, yours isn't as bad as you think it is.

Sweet Spring Break!

Finally on Spring Break! I'm so glad to be away from Kent for awhile, don't get me wrong..I love Kent and all, but I needed to get away for awhile. I got such a warm welcome from all my animals too and esp. when I saw my mom when she came to pick me up. It made me really realize how hard its going to be when I move with Eric once we get married.

Speaking of Eric, I haven't heard from him since Sunday which kinda sucks. I'm not worried or anything considering I know he's on ship so I know he must be busy and have limited contact. I do miss him though, I hope he's okay, doing his best.

I'm hanging in there and I am hoping to have a good Spring Break. We'll see how this week goes :)

Where is my mind?

My head hurts really badly and its probably because of  Ohio being bipolar, like always. I really cannot stand this state. Anyway...

You know that song by the Pixies, where is my mind? Its on the soundtrack from Fight Club and Sucker Punch, however I like this version http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZMrp8yDM78 better because its a duet. I've been listening to it a lot and I just feel like it just fits how I feel right now. I've been studying for midterms, going to tutoring for math and writing endless papers. In the middle of all of it, my thoughts seem to just drift from what I'm doing and I just feel so out of it.

And then there's Eric of course. He's not getting leave in June so I doubt I'll see him, if I do see him it'll be in December and I'm not going to get my hopes up for that either. There are days when I am fine, completely happy, stressed but fine. And there are days like today when I just want ache, I feel horrible and I just miss him so much that it feels like my heart is going to burst. I had such high hopes for June...he was going to come home, we were going to get Engagement pictures done, maybe go to the beach together. Now I'm going to spend the summer once again without him. I miss him so much and it makes me absolutely sick to my stomach that I'm not going to see him till December.

I'm trying to lose weight and its so hard, so hard. Its frustrating because I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror half the time and since I'm so stressed all I want to do is eat. I'm trying so hard with everything, school, midterms, being away from home, keeping my sanity, dealing with this distance/hardly talking to Eric. Sometimes I feel like its all too much for me sometimes, like right now I feel so overwhelmed. My thoughts are all over the place and I am shocked that I can even write this right now.

I wish my head would stop hurting so I could finish this paper.

From bad to worse.

So I haven't posted about Eric for awhile and things have been quiet really; he's been working on his job and working out hardcore getting ready for the recon course this fall/next year (we aren't sure yet) and I've been busy with school. Now, we thought Eric would be able to take leave in June, come home for 2 weeks then go back to Japan and come back to the states for good in November. Well...thats not the case now.

First of all, his 2 year got extended to February 2013, when he was supposed to come back for good to the states November 2012. So I was really upset by that because of several reasons, one I am sick and tired of the 14 hour time difference, it gets REALLY annoying and frustrating at times. Two, he only gets two weeks for Christmas/New Years leave so if he was in the states and he went back to his duty station I could of visited during my month break after. So I got my hearts up and that was stupid of me and I was sad for a bit, but he'll be back in the states sometime, just not as soon as I wanted.

Soon after I got those news, we found out that there's a rumor/been talk of how Eric and I guess the rest of his unit aren't allowed to take leave in June, so basically..I'm going to go for almost a year (Jan to Dec) without seeing Eric. I don't know what to think, I hope its not true and I pray thats its just a huge misunderstanding. I really wish I could go to Japan to see him, he wouldn't be able to take leave but at least I could see him before work, after work and the weekend too of course. But I doubt that could happen, but I have hope.

I just hope whatever happens, is that we do find a way to see each other. I just want to see him, even for a minute, maybe two. I'll take what I can get.

Fingers crossed.

I can't wait for Spring Break.

I am sick of Kent, like I love Kent..I love living here, I love my room and dorm..but last night was just the last straw for me. Now, there are only a few things that can drive me nuts or really, really make me mad. One of those things, is messing with my sleep. First of all, I can hardly sleep here anyway, I never (since I was a freshman) had a good night's sleep up here because my guard (due to my anxiety) is up 24/7 here. I can't really full relax because of that which leads to me hardly getting any sleep. Since I've started dieting and working out (I love my boot camp class by the way!) I've been trying to go to sleep early because one, I found out you'll have more energy if you sleep more. It also helps with  your weight loss, stress and over all mental health..so I've been trying to get to sleep early. Last night, I went to bed last night at 10 and 5 minutes later...my room was shaking with the blasting of idiotic rap music from the boys next door.

My floor made rules at the beginning of the semester...quiet hours start at 10 PM, which means..no talking loudly, no yelling and no blasting music at that time. They completely ignored that, you know..I don't mind if you blast your music, but if you mess with my sleep and on top of that..be major rude to me. I will not tolerate it. I've tried throughout the semester to talk these boys, knock on their door, say.."Hey! Could you mind turning your music down please?" they didn't even have the decency to open their door. So what do they do? They blast their music louder. I was up, 3 more hours because of these morons. Like really, we aren't in high school anymore, we are in college. And last time I checked, your parents and mine didn't spend thousands and thousands of dollars to come here, blast your music and "party". Grow up.

I'm just really worn out with school! 18 days and I'll be on Spring Break, I'm hoping to travel with my dad somewhere but if not, I'll be back to be at home redoing and painting my room. I just need out of here for awhile, I need a break. On top of the "dorm drama" I've had to deal with family stuff too. My Grammy had to have hip replacement surgery and I couldn't be there for it which really upset me. But, in the end she's okay and back home recovering so I'm happy for that.

Its just a lot to deal with right now and I guess this is what they call growing up and I am slowly but surely learning how to deal with it. I just can't wait for March 16th.

Valentine's Day.

I used to hate Valentine's Day, esp. when I was in middle and high school..because I was never one of the pretty girls, most guys didn't spare me a glance or any attention. However there was always one person who made me smile and that was my mom. I remember one year she got me this huge basket full of candy and just little knick knacks. That gesture meant so much to me, I'll remember it forever.

As I got older I realized that even though Valentine's Day is really a hallmark holiday, its a day that lets you show love for someone. It doesn't matter who, your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife etc...its not all about lovey dovey stuff. Valentine's Day to me is so much more than that, its a day to show someone, no matter who that you love them. And for 15 years, my valentine was my mom and when I was sad that I didn't have a boy who wanted to be my Valentine, I had her. That will always mean the absolute world to me.

I really missed Eric today, we've hardly got to talk and when we do get to talk its short and I always want more time to talk to him. I'm just glad he's okay and enjoying Thailand, I hope we get get to talk soon. Overall though today was a good day though! I started my workout class, boot camp today and it went great!

It felt so good to run and stretch again, even though I am sore and I'm probably going to be hurting for a bit, I am so glad to be working out again and I can't wait to get stronger and stronger.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone! One day I'll be able to spend it with you again Eric.

& I threw us into the flames..

First of all, let me recap my weekend real quick: my entire family was home, together for once! My dad was home from Wis. and it was really nice just to have all 3 of us together again. Saturday my mom, Lisa (my wedding planner ^^) and her daughter, Maddie went with us to an open house for weddings and such at Occasions Party Centre. I'm really glad we did we went and checked out things. I was kind of sad that the place wasn't as big as I thought it would be, because with the way things are looking...I'm going to have a big or at least medium sized wedding. If we booked our reception there it would be way too crowded and I don't want my family and friends to be crowded. However, I do believe I've found my photographer and DJ, so thats exciting!

But why am I writing this blog entry? Its been bothering me for a very long time and I really just need to write about it I think. In late October/early November people that were close to me, just stopped talking to me, stop trying to contact me, keep in touch etc etc...for no reason. And frankly, I am done trying. I am always the one trying to keep in contact with people, trying to make plans, asking how things are etc etc..

Well I am done, sticking my neck out for people. Done trying so hard with people.

I really try to be a good and caring friend, I've swallowed my pride so many times, bit my tongue and just went with it. I always try to be there for people even there has been absolutely no one there for me, none, zero. I'm not doing it anymore, I'm going to focus on myself, school work, wedding plans and losing weight. Maybe it sounds like I'm burning bridges, who knows...people change and its been 2 years since I've graduated and I think its really sad that some of my "friends" haven't grown up.

I'm tired of trying so hard with people and getting absolutely nowhere. For now I am going to focus on myself for once. But I am done trying with certain people, so if you want to be my "friend" you come to me for once and talk to me.