21.

This has been worst October I've ever had in 21 years of living. Usually my Octobers consist of schoolwork, doing crafts, doing things with family, decorating, movies and celebrating my birthday along with my dad's. But half of that stuff didn't happen; when Mamaw decided that she wasn't going to do anything about being sick/refuse treatment...Mom and I spend every free minute (including my weekends at home) over at Mamaw's and running around. Not that I minded, the last 3 weeks I had with her were absolutely amazing and I wouldn't change anything about it minus the fact that she is gone.

I miss her, we all miss her...but she's not coming back and she's in a better place now. I just want to focus on Papaw and be the best granddaughter I can be for him at the moment. When I kissed her goodbye on the day of her funeral, I put my forehead against hers and promised I would take care of him. I plan on keeping that promise.

Anyway, I am 21 now! I can't believe that I'm not 20 anymore! I'm happy that I am a "legal" adult now and that I can do more things with Eric, but besides that...it's like...I'm 21? Yay? lol. Sunday was my birthday and my mom and I really didn't do anything fancy, just visited family and friends. My dad was actually in California so we just decided to celebrate with dinner and a cake this Saturday...which I am pretty excited for. On Saturday, my mom said she had a surprise for me and refused to tell me where we were going. We ended up at the mall which was funny to me because I know she hates the mall! She then took me to Pandora and surprise, surprise...she was buying me a Pandora bracelet!

I have always wanted a Pandora bracelet, I really just didn't say anything before because I knew how expensive it was! At first I was like "no mom! Its too much!" but after some coaxing I let her buy me a bracelet  Which I love!!! So, thanks again mom! :)

I can't believe that tomorrow is Halloween and after tomorrow it will be November. Just one more month till Eric will be back in the states for good. I still can't wrap my head around it! I'm also excited for Veteran's Day break and Thanksgiving, it will be nice to get a break from school. I feel very run down from classes lately. 

Goodbye October, I won't miss you!

The Aftermath

I have been sick since Mamaw's calling hours, so it'll be a week tomorrow. I think everything just caught up with me in the end; the running around, the emotions, the realization that she is really gone and the stress of school just beat me at the end of the day. Calling hours and the funeral went well, Mamaw had an amazing send off with her family and friends and of course, by veterans who folded a flag for her and shot guns into the air at her grave for her service in the air force. I went back to Kent Tuesday night and let me tell you, it was very weird.

It was nice being back because I do love Kent, but...I felt so out of place. I felt weird, uncomfortable and restless. And I just didn't want to be there, it was a very weird feeling. My doctor said it was all normal and that it took time but it would pass.

Sorry doc, but I am having a hard time believing ya.

I still weird, its better that I'm home and around my parents...but...the weird feeling is still there. I guess you could call it mourning. I still can't believe she's gone, ya know?

I'm just trying to take one day at a time, but its hard because I want to look forward. Eric's two year deployment in Japan is getting closer and closer to be over, but it just seems so far away. And I wish he was home, I wish we could celebrate together.

I miss my mamaw, I miss him and I just wish things were easier.

Nobody said it would be easy..

You know that song from Coldplay? The Scientist? I've been listening to it a lot because its very comforting to me. Most people think the song is about a break up but I think to me it means something more.

My mamaw died 3 days ago, October 10, 2012 peacefully in her sleep.

She was very sick and fought so many years of her life trying to stay healthy but in the end she was just tired. She even told me herself she was tired and that "she was ready to go see Jesus." Which was funny because 3 years ago her son, my father said the exact same thing after he came home after his heart surgery.

I'm glad she's not suffering anymore, but I don't know what to feel or how to feel.

One minute...I'm fine, the next I'm mad...angry at everyone. The minute after that I'm crying and upset and then I'm calm and fine the minute after last. Who knows if that's normal but my emotions are all over the place right now.

I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to be around anyone, I don't want to worry about school or anything...I just want to mourn. Some place quiet with no one around where I can curl up in a blanket and just mourn with no one to bother me.

I miss and love you Mamaw, I wish things could of been different the past few years but I'm glad we had the last few weeks together.

Nobody said it would be easy, nobody said it would be this hard...

The Scientist Glee cover

Hello October.

Its my birthday month! The leaves are starting to change color and fall is slowly making its way into our lives.  Usually I would be freaking out about it because I can't stand the cold and my allergies usually go crazy, but I'm ready for it. I want this month to fly by so it can be my birthday! I really am excited to be 21, even if its an odd number. Everyone gets excited for their 21st birthday because they can legally drink, eh, I think drinking is stupid really. A drink with dinner is fine, but drinking to get drunk is just silly to me, unnecessary. Once Eric is home though it'll be nice to be able to order a drink with him on our dates. I'm excited for that.

October is also really busy because its the month where I have my midterms, the only one I'm really freaked about is Japanese. I'm really hoping to remember all the hiragana and katakana, which is really my only issue in that class (along with a few grammar mix up's). Crossing my fingers!

The past two weeks I've been to the health center more than usual and have had my blood drawn a total of 6 times. My doctor believed I was severely anemic or had a thyroid problem, well, my results were neither. Get this, my doctor thinks I have a special type of blood called hereditary spherocytosis. 

Which means: congenital spherocytic anemia is a disorder of the surface layer (membrane) of red blood cells. It leads to red blood cells that are shaped like spheres, and premature breakdown of red blood cells (hemolytic anemia). We aren't 100% sure and are currently waiting for results from my second blood test, but my doctor believes that's why I've been so tired all the time. If I do have it, I am going to have to go see a blood specialist to get adequate care. It can be cured there are just certain things that need to be done, I should get the results soon. I just don't want to be tired anymore!

That's all I have for now~ but since it is my birthday month I decided to spice up my wish list with things I would like to get this month or what I would like for my birthday!

Pokemon Black 2, Sephora gift card  Hobby Lobby gift card  a shopping trip to Forever 21, Taylor Swift's RED CD, Birth by Sleep and a cherry blossom cake.

No words.

Things have been kind of crazy lately and in all honesty, I cannot believe tomorrow is Thursday. September is flying by! Not that I'm complaining or anything its just crazy how quickly things are going!

Today I was able to check off one of my bucket list items at the age of 20! I got to see and hear a president in person. I saw Barack Obama at my college tonight and it was such an amazing and crazy experience! First of all, tickets were given out on Monday at 9AM. There were people who got their place in line at 3:30AM, no joke! And I have no idea why, but apparently..KSU gave out 10,000 tickets and only 4,000 were supposed to get into the MACC. Who knows if that was true but I believe there were 6,000 in the MACC total. Anyway, I went to my first class and the line was literally half a mile long when I got out. So Isaac and I were in line till 11AM-3:45PM..it wasn't so bad until it started raining. Did I mention how much I hate rain?

But...in the end, Obama was worth it.

He has to be one of the most inspirational people I have ever heard and I am so glad that I got to experience something at such a young age. I am so thankful and I feel very inspired, like a colt ready to run. 

Besides seeing Obama, I've been busy with school and trying to keep a social life too. Its just been tough because I am tired, all the time. To the point where I am so sick of it I got blood work done yesterday. The doctor I saw on campus believes I am severely anemic or I have a thyroid problem...I go back tomorrow to figure out what's going on. I just don't want to be this tired all the time so I am praying its something minor that can be easily fixed.

In a few more days, it will be a month since I've heard from Eric and I couldn't be more pissed. Last year when he was on ship, he believed that not calling me made time faster...so he hardly called me. It wasn't because he was too busy or too tired, he just didn't call. And now I believe he's repeating what he did last year and once again, I am madder than hell. However, the ship's facebook page has said that phone cards and MOTO mail (which is when you can type an e-mail to your guy and sent it to the ship, where they will print out the message and give it your marine/sailor) hasn't been working. So basically! No one has heard from their sailor/marine in over a month which is pretty freaking sad considering marines/soldiers in Afghanistan have better communication and they are in the desert!!! Either way, Eric has been on that ship since the end of August...the systems stopped working 3 weeks ago which means he could of contacted me before things went psycho.

I have no idea where he is. I have no idea what is going on. And I've gotten to the point where I am so mad that I can't think about Eric or anything that deals with him because if I do, I'll drive myself crazy.

The bad thing about this silence is that it makes me question everything, which is probably just god testing me. I worry about him going back to Japan, getting online and writing me saying he doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to be with me. Isn't that sad? I just can't let my thoughts go in that direction of negativity, I need to focus on whats going on in front of me: school and waiting. 

My last thoughts for this blog entry is this:

I've never heard silence this loud. 

Oi Vey.

Is it October yet? Or November? I'm ready for fires, my birthday, fall food, fall decor, leaves changing, boots and the holidays. I feel like time is moving soooo slowly! Enough of my wishing..

So first of all, I am so proud of myself for making my blog look pretty! It literally took me a few hours to move this here, add this here and edit a few final touches..but I am happy with the way it looks. Maybe those computer classes on HTML I took in high school were useful afterall.

School is school, but this semester so far has been fantastic. I am having so much fun with Japanese and learning it (the only thing with part of that class that is giving me trouble is the writing. Note: if Hiragana was a person, I would of punched them in the face by now..true story.) I love all the people I live with and I am actually finding it hard to balance my social time with them and my school work! Something I never had to do before, lol!

I tried out for Kent's Glee singing group last week and I completely bombed my audition. Oh my gosh! I was fine right before I walked into it! I knew all the words by heart, I was nervous but it was a good kind of nervous! As soon as I walked into the audition room though...I saw a camera..and completely freaked out. Halfway through I forgot the words and yeah...lol. So I didn't make the group, but just because someone didn't answer their door doesn't mean that I'm not going to keep knocking! Or I'll try another door you know? I'm just proud of myself for putting myself out there.

It was Eric's birthday yesterday, my boy turned 24. I was very sad throughout the day because all I wanted to do was wish him a happy birthday, just a chance for him to listen to me sing to him and say..."Happy Birthday Eric, 24! Wow my future husband is old!" you know? Something just silly...but I just kept wishing my phone would ring...and it never did.

Its been 18 days since I've heard from him. 

My mom and I went to Yankee Peddler yesterday and it was a shock of how different things were. For my entire life (and even before!) that place used to be packed! Vendors and food everywhere..but this year it wasn't even close to what it used to be. But, it was a great day to be outside and I really enjoyed the time with my mother. I just wish someone else could of been there with me.

But, I'm thankful that I have her.

September wishes

I am so glad August is over, that month has to be one of the months I dread the most. Probably because its the end of summer and no matter what you do, its in the back of your mind that your summer is running out.

However, this semester has to be the best schedule/classes I've ever had. One, since I don't have a math course I don't have to go to tutoring for 5 extra hours a week. I literally have two classes a day (minus Wednesday) and I have lots of time to get things done in between. I also have awesome people who I'm living with this year too! I live in a dorm where two rooms share a bathroom (AKA a suite) so I have a roommate and two suitemates. All three of them are so nice and so far its been a lot of fun living with them. Completely different from the past two years I've stayed there, its just a nice atmosphere.

Classes are going great! My history classes are fun and most of them seem to be pretty basic, read the books, write papers and very few midterms in between. Which is amazing because last semester, I literally had midterms every 2-3 weeks, lol. Japanese is my absolute favorite class this semester and I am so glad that I switched my major to be able to take any history class and a language.

My senesi (teacher) is American Japanese and is originally from Ohio. She just got back a few weeks ago from teaching English in Tokyo for the past 4 years. She's very sweet and helpful, I am very lucky that I got a language teacher at Kent who can speak Japanese and English clearly! Most of the language teachers at Kent are foreign and can hardly speak English, lol. The only thing I'm struggling with in Japanese is the characters/writing. I am horrible at drawing but remembering each word/character/symbol that goes with everything AND on top of that drawing them correctly is like ahhhhhhhhh. Hopefully just writing them over and over will make me memorize/draw them perfectly. Did you know that Japan has 3 alphabets?

I heard from Eric the other day, he actually called me which was nice because I hadn't heard his voice in over a month. We talked for a few minutes and then he told me that was going to be the last time I will hear from him in awhile because he was about to go back on ship and float to his locations. It was hard because neither of us wanted to hang up the phone or say goodbye, we literally were silent for like 20 seconds before he said I love you, goodbye and hung up. I pray that his sailing is smooth and the next few months will fly by because I miss him so much. I just want him in the states.

Anyway, I have always liked September because of everything that is going on during the weekends. Yankee Peddler, Mum Festival, Ciderfest and random Flea Markets. I also like to enjoy the last nice warm weather we get and just the fresh start of school. Yankee Peddler though is my absolute favorite, I can't wait for cold cider and roast beef sandwiches, mmmm!

I am going to start a new thing on my blog where at every start of each month where I'll be posting a wish list of items I would like to get over that month. (Trying to fit into the blog world, haha!)

Maybelline lipstick, Sperrys, Maybelline eyebrow pencil, try and get a jar full of extra change,  $15 iTunes card, Kingdom Hearts symbol necklace, lipstick holder and a mermaid necklace from Etsy.

Here's hoping that September turns out to be a good month!