21.

This has been worst October I've ever had in 21 years of living. Usually my Octobers consist of schoolwork, doing crafts, doing things with family, decorating, movies and celebrating my birthday along with my dad's. But half of that stuff didn't happen; when Mamaw decided that she wasn't going to do anything about being sick/refuse treatment...Mom and I spend every free minute (including my weekends at home) over at Mamaw's and running around. Not that I minded, the last 3 weeks I had with her were absolutely amazing and I wouldn't change anything about it minus the fact that she is gone.

I miss her, we all miss her...but she's not coming back and she's in a better place now. I just want to focus on Papaw and be the best granddaughter I can be for him at the moment. When I kissed her goodbye on the day of her funeral, I put my forehead against hers and promised I would take care of him. I plan on keeping that promise.

Anyway, I am 21 now! I can't believe that I'm not 20 anymore! I'm happy that I am a "legal" adult now and that I can do more things with Eric, but besides that...it's like...I'm 21? Yay? lol. Sunday was my birthday and my mom and I really didn't do anything fancy, just visited family and friends. My dad was actually in California so we just decided to celebrate with dinner and a cake this Saturday...which I am pretty excited for. On Saturday, my mom said she had a surprise for me and refused to tell me where we were going. We ended up at the mall which was funny to me because I know she hates the mall! She then took me to Pandora and surprise, surprise...she was buying me a Pandora bracelet!

I have always wanted a Pandora bracelet, I really just didn't say anything before because I knew how expensive it was! At first I was like "no mom! Its too much!" but after some coaxing I let her buy me a bracelet  Which I love!!! So, thanks again mom! :)

I can't believe that tomorrow is Halloween and after tomorrow it will be November. Just one more month till Eric will be back in the states for good. I still can't wrap my head around it! I'm also excited for Veteran's Day break and Thanksgiving, it will be nice to get a break from school. I feel very run down from classes lately. 

Goodbye October, I won't miss you!

The Aftermath

I have been sick since Mamaw's calling hours, so it'll be a week tomorrow. I think everything just caught up with me in the end; the running around, the emotions, the realization that she is really gone and the stress of school just beat me at the end of the day. Calling hours and the funeral went well, Mamaw had an amazing send off with her family and friends and of course, by veterans who folded a flag for her and shot guns into the air at her grave for her service in the air force. I went back to Kent Tuesday night and let me tell you, it was very weird.

It was nice being back because I do love Kent, but...I felt so out of place. I felt weird, uncomfortable and restless. And I just didn't want to be there, it was a very weird feeling. My doctor said it was all normal and that it took time but it would pass.

Sorry doc, but I am having a hard time believing ya.

I still weird, its better that I'm home and around my parents...but...the weird feeling is still there. I guess you could call it mourning. I still can't believe she's gone, ya know?

I'm just trying to take one day at a time, but its hard because I want to look forward. Eric's two year deployment in Japan is getting closer and closer to be over, but it just seems so far away. And I wish he was home, I wish we could celebrate together.

I miss my mamaw, I miss him and I just wish things were easier.

Nobody said it would be easy..

You know that song from Coldplay? The Scientist? I've been listening to it a lot because its very comforting to me. Most people think the song is about a break up but I think to me it means something more.

My mamaw died 3 days ago, October 10, 2012 peacefully in her sleep.

She was very sick and fought so many years of her life trying to stay healthy but in the end she was just tired. She even told me herself she was tired and that "she was ready to go see Jesus." Which was funny because 3 years ago her son, my father said the exact same thing after he came home after his heart surgery.

I'm glad she's not suffering anymore, but I don't know what to feel or how to feel.

One minute...I'm fine, the next I'm mad...angry at everyone. The minute after that I'm crying and upset and then I'm calm and fine the minute after last. Who knows if that's normal but my emotions are all over the place right now.

I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to be around anyone, I don't want to worry about school or anything...I just want to mourn. Some place quiet with no one around where I can curl up in a blanket and just mourn with no one to bother me.

I miss and love you Mamaw, I wish things could of been different the past few years but I'm glad we had the last few weeks together.

Nobody said it would be easy, nobody said it would be this hard...

The Scientist Glee cover

Hello October.

Its my birthday month! The leaves are starting to change color and fall is slowly making its way into our lives.  Usually I would be freaking out about it because I can't stand the cold and my allergies usually go crazy, but I'm ready for it. I want this month to fly by so it can be my birthday! I really am excited to be 21, even if its an odd number. Everyone gets excited for their 21st birthday because they can legally drink, eh, I think drinking is stupid really. A drink with dinner is fine, but drinking to get drunk is just silly to me, unnecessary. Once Eric is home though it'll be nice to be able to order a drink with him on our dates. I'm excited for that.

October is also really busy because its the month where I have my midterms, the only one I'm really freaked about is Japanese. I'm really hoping to remember all the hiragana and katakana, which is really my only issue in that class (along with a few grammar mix up's). Crossing my fingers!

The past two weeks I've been to the health center more than usual and have had my blood drawn a total of 6 times. My doctor believed I was severely anemic or had a thyroid problem, well, my results were neither. Get this, my doctor thinks I have a special type of blood called hereditary spherocytosis. 

Which means: congenital spherocytic anemia is a disorder of the surface layer (membrane) of red blood cells. It leads to red blood cells that are shaped like spheres, and premature breakdown of red blood cells (hemolytic anemia). We aren't 100% sure and are currently waiting for results from my second blood test, but my doctor believes that's why I've been so tired all the time. If I do have it, I am going to have to go see a blood specialist to get adequate care. It can be cured there are just certain things that need to be done, I should get the results soon. I just don't want to be tired anymore!

That's all I have for now~ but since it is my birthday month I decided to spice up my wish list with things I would like to get this month or what I would like for my birthday!

Pokemon Black 2, Sephora gift card  Hobby Lobby gift card  a shopping trip to Forever 21, Taylor Swift's RED CD, Birth by Sleep and a cherry blossom cake.