My Way.

It is kinda crazy and somewhat amazing how relaxed and calmer I feel after school is over. Like I literally feel like all the negativity has been stripped away from my body since last week ended. How sad is that? I've been so busy this semester, so, so busy. I've literally had no time for social events and that really upset me at first because I was back in Ohio and I wanted to see people that I don't get to see and hang out with them. But nothing works out the way we want it to, it seldom does.

God really tested me this semester; on one hand I love college, I love the experiences and the lifestyle of it...but the school/work part of it drains me. It depresses me, I got so depressed this semester more than once where it got to the point where I didn't want to talk to anyone or see anyone. I didn't realize how bad it got until the other day my mother said to me "you are so much nicer now!" and I looked at her confused, "What do you mean? Was I really that bad this semester?" "Yes."

Yikes. I felt really bad after she told me but like, commuting is hellacious. I set up my schedule where I thought (keep word: THOUGHT) I had enough time to get up, wake up and drive to school. By mid-October...I was exhausted. With my anxiety, driving is SO stressful. I don't mind driving, sometimes driving can be very relaxing but at the same time I remember my accident at 18. Not only that, driving back and forth..is EXHAUSTING. Who knew driving could be exhausting, seriously...who know?!

On top of driving, I moved back in with my parents. Now don't get me wrong, I love my parents, I do. But I was on my own and ran my own household for an entire year...now being used to that and moving back in with your parents....can be somewhat difficult. For example, our house in NC is in somewhat secluded area and is very quiet. My parents house, there usually some sort of noise going on. That was an adjustment, which was funny because when I first got married and moved to NC I missed the noise...but by the time I got back I was used to the quiet.

I also missed living on campus, being a commuter student and having friends living on campus was a problem too. For example, when they were free, I had class or I was on my way home. When they wanted to hang out because I couldn't because I didn't to deal with rush hour traffic. I actually applied to live back on campus next semester because I hated commuting so much. (Once again, the driving. No thank you. PLUS I DON'T WANT TO DRIVE IN THE SNOW NEXT YEAR TOO. No. Just, no.)

Class wise this semester....was one of the toughest semesters I have ever had. All of my classes were upper division. They were full of papers and exam essay questions. For this semester with all of my papers combined I probably wrote over 50,000 words, I kid you not. My biggest challenge though...was my senior class: Historians Craft and it wasn't the class itself, it was the professor. Now I have had some pretty seriously horrible teachers/professors in my lifetime...but nothing compared to this man. He was the most crude and unprofessional man I have ever met, every other word out of his mouth was "f---." He liked to single people out and humiliate them in an aggressive/mean manner. (He did this to me once and caused me to have a break down after class, I have never had a professor made me cry EVER until this man)  Worst of all, he didn't teach us ANYTHING. He literally told us to use Google AND read the books he assigned us. I am not joking. We didn't even get any papers till the week before finals AND never knew what our grades were. He was horrible. Somehow, through many tears, hair pulling and sleepless nights, I passed that class. Thank god, because if I hadn't, I would of have to taken it again AND wait another semester to graduate.

I have my last semester next year and I couldn't be more excited.

This semester has also been hard on Eric and I. He's currently getting ready for a deployment and will be leaving next year. It will be our first deployment as a married couple and honestly I have no idea what to expect. The way things are he's going to be constantly deployed for the rest of his time in the marines which is fine, but I fear for what is to come because once again, I have no idea what to expect. We made it through Japan and honestly, after that I feel like we will be able to get through everything and anything. But contrary to what most Americas think, we still have men and women getting deployed, in dangerous areas and not so dangerous areas. But there is still danger, there is still risk...accidents happen.

And I fear, with all of my heart and soul...that one day I will have a marine, dressed in his dress blues knocking on my door telling me that Eric is gone. That is my biggest fear, it always has and it always will be. I just wish I had a better idea of what was to come, but once again...I have no control over anything and I just need to ride the waves, not fight them. It's still frustrating though. Can't I get a hint? Or a cheat code or something?

Hopefully now, things are looking up. I'm enjoying my break so far and to be honest, I'm ready for the holidays to be over too. I'm just not feeling it this year, I'm ready for a new year, a fresh start, and a new beginning. I'm ready to be done with school.

Sometimes I look back and I get so angry at things I did or didn't do with school, some things I didn't understand back then that I do now.  But I can't let things like that haunt me, I'm doing things a certain way, my own way.

Although my college career hasn't gone the exact route I wanted it to, I'm getting there. & I'm getting it done my way.

The end is near.