My Way.

It is kinda crazy and somewhat amazing how relaxed and calmer I feel after school is over. Like I literally feel like all the negativity has been stripped away from my body since last week ended. How sad is that? I've been so busy this semester, so, so busy. I've literally had no time for social events and that really upset me at first because I was back in Ohio and I wanted to see people that I don't get to see and hang out with them. But nothing works out the way we want it to, it seldom does.

God really tested me this semester; on one hand I love college, I love the experiences and the lifestyle of it...but the school/work part of it drains me. It depresses me, I got so depressed this semester more than once where it got to the point where I didn't want to talk to anyone or see anyone. I didn't realize how bad it got until the other day my mother said to me "you are so much nicer now!" and I looked at her confused, "What do you mean? Was I really that bad this semester?" "Yes."

Yikes. I felt really bad after she told me but like, commuting is hellacious. I set up my schedule where I thought (keep word: THOUGHT) I had enough time to get up, wake up and drive to school. By mid-October...I was exhausted. With my anxiety, driving is SO stressful. I don't mind driving, sometimes driving can be very relaxing but at the same time I remember my accident at 18. Not only that, driving back and forth..is EXHAUSTING. Who knew driving could be exhausting, seriously...who know?!

On top of driving, I moved back in with my parents. Now don't get me wrong, I love my parents, I do. But I was on my own and ran my own household for an entire year...now being used to that and moving back in with your parents....can be somewhat difficult. For example, our house in NC is in somewhat secluded area and is very quiet. My parents house, there usually some sort of noise going on. That was an adjustment, which was funny because when I first got married and moved to NC I missed the noise...but by the time I got back I was used to the quiet.

I also missed living on campus, being a commuter student and having friends living on campus was a problem too. For example, when they were free, I had class or I was on my way home. When they wanted to hang out because I couldn't because I didn't to deal with rush hour traffic. I actually applied to live back on campus next semester because I hated commuting so much. (Once again, the driving. No thank you. PLUS I DON'T WANT TO DRIVE IN THE SNOW NEXT YEAR TOO. No. Just, no.)

Class wise this semester....was one of the toughest semesters I have ever had. All of my classes were upper division. They were full of papers and exam essay questions. For this semester with all of my papers combined I probably wrote over 50,000 words, I kid you not. My biggest challenge though...was my senior class: Historians Craft and it wasn't the class itself, it was the professor. Now I have had some pretty seriously horrible teachers/professors in my lifetime...but nothing compared to this man. He was the most crude and unprofessional man I have ever met, every other word out of his mouth was "f---." He liked to single people out and humiliate them in an aggressive/mean manner. (He did this to me once and caused me to have a break down after class, I have never had a professor made me cry EVER until this man)  Worst of all, he didn't teach us ANYTHING. He literally told us to use Google AND read the books he assigned us. I am not joking. We didn't even get any papers till the week before finals AND never knew what our grades were. He was horrible. Somehow, through many tears, hair pulling and sleepless nights, I passed that class. Thank god, because if I hadn't, I would of have to taken it again AND wait another semester to graduate.

I have my last semester next year and I couldn't be more excited.

This semester has also been hard on Eric and I. He's currently getting ready for a deployment and will be leaving next year. It will be our first deployment as a married couple and honestly I have no idea what to expect. The way things are he's going to be constantly deployed for the rest of his time in the marines which is fine, but I fear for what is to come because once again, I have no idea what to expect. We made it through Japan and honestly, after that I feel like we will be able to get through everything and anything. But contrary to what most Americas think, we still have men and women getting deployed, in dangerous areas and not so dangerous areas. But there is still danger, there is still risk...accidents happen.

And I fear, with all of my heart and soul...that one day I will have a marine, dressed in his dress blues knocking on my door telling me that Eric is gone. That is my biggest fear, it always has and it always will be. I just wish I had a better idea of what was to come, but once again...I have no control over anything and I just need to ride the waves, not fight them. It's still frustrating though. Can't I get a hint? Or a cheat code or something?

Hopefully now, things are looking up. I'm enjoying my break so far and to be honest, I'm ready for the holidays to be over too. I'm just not feeling it this year, I'm ready for a new year, a fresh start, and a new beginning. I'm ready to be done with school.

Sometimes I look back and I get so angry at things I did or didn't do with school, some things I didn't understand back then that I do now.  But I can't let things like that haunt me, I'm doing things a certain way, my own way.

Although my college career hasn't gone the exact route I wanted it to, I'm getting there. & I'm getting it done my way.

The end is near.

What I learned when I was 22.

1. Owning a house is serious business.
2. Never trust women, age doesn't matter. Be careful.
3. Bad things will happen at the worst time, for example your car acting up randomly.
4. Naps are okay and you shouldn't be ashamed of how tired you are.
5. Nothing goes according to plan, and that is okay.
6. Plan ahead and have a backup plan, actually have several back up plans.
7. Don't wait to do things last minute.
8. Try not to yell.
9. People change even people you've known them for years.
10. People leave and you have to accept that.
11. Best friends can stab you in the back without blinking an eye
12. Trust no one.
13. Painting is very therapeutic.
14. Trying to be patient when you are an impatient person to begin with is quite idiotic.
15. Relax.
16. Fighting sucks, but working through something and making up after is worth it.
17. It's okay to feel lost.
18. Don't buy something unless you love it.
19. Take time out of your day to read, always.
20. Write more.
21. Have more lazy days.
22. Dream often, you'll get there someday.

I'm not sure what 23 will be like, but I hope I grow more, become a better version of myself, learn more and maybe...get some of my dreams and goals checked off my list.

Complicated.

Its been awhile, well, it's been more than awhile but I honestly have no excuse to update my blogger but one. My life has become so complicated that sometimes I need to stop what I'm doing just to process what the heck is going because things happen so quickly. So many things have happened since February. Not only did we get a beautiful house, but the road to get this beautiful house was not an easy one. I always told myself that my first spring semester as a collage freshman would be my worst semester ever, well this spring semester 2014 has been worse than my freshman spring semester...who knew it could get worse?

My classes weren't hard per see, I took Nutrition as my last science class, a language course, a writing course and a math class. I enjoyed nutrition, language and my writing courses, they were interesting, a lot of extra reading and more work, but worth it. My math class on the other hand? Pure torture. The math class was the worst; the class itself was unorganized, the teacher was slow via communication and here's the kicker dear readers, she couldn't speak English. To make it even worse, she wanted us to call her or Skype her if we had any questions. Let that sink in for a moment...calling or skyping a teacher with math questions who can't speak English.Yeah.

Ever since I've moved out of the dorms, I have wanted to be done with school. Let me be clear on this: I never, ever in my life want to leave Kent State, but school in general...I need to be done with. I was supposed to graduate this December. I'm actually moving back to Ohio for the fall semester to finish up courses I can't finish up online. The plan was to finish this spring semester, take online classes, move back home, take classes in person and graduate in December. That is all I wanted. However, I was lied to about the situation of classes. I wasn't always a history major but I was a integrated social studies major (a high history teacher) so when it came to knowing the in's and out's of a "history major" I didn't know the class plan. My advisor told me if I took summer classes, came back in the fall and took 15 credit hours of specific classes, I would be able to graduate in December. So the day comes I register for classes and one of the senior classes I need isn't letting me sign up. So I call the history department and I came to find out that you have to one of the senior classes (out of the two) pass the first one then take the other separately.  My advisor told me I could take them at the same time. How could of I known when I am still fairly new at being a history major? I was completely heartbroken when I found out, I really had my heart set out on the JET program which is the Japanese Exchange Teaching. Basically you get interviewed and get hired o teach English in Japan for 1-4 years, you get paid and well you get to live in Japan!!!! I had my heart set on that, but in order to do the JET program...you need a degree. So there goes that plan.

Not only was I struggling with the work load of this semester, I was also dealing with personal problems as well. No matter what I am doing, I put Eric's needs and wants before my own. Always. And I am telling you first because frankly, the unit Eric is in now is not easy. None of what he does is easy, ever. He wasn't supposed to Japan for 2 & a half years, he wasn't supposed to be here...but he is and day after day he fights to be here. I am so proud of him because when he signed up for the marines, he was only supposed to be a regular communications tech. He wasn't supposed to do any of this, but here he is and I could be more prouder.

I love this quote from Disney' Frozen, so true. 

I don't mind sacrificing my needs or wants or putting him first at all, however...I am human and I am not always strong. Unfortunately my depression and anxiety got out of control during March and early April. It got to the point where I would wake up and I had to fight and I mean fight to get out of bed. It took Eric awhile to catch on but once he realized what was going on with me, it only worse. It got to the point where it was affecting us, I got so irritable and frustrated that I was being horrible to people I cared about. Once I realized what I was doing, I knew I had to stop it or help myself somehow. So I found a new doctor who has me on this new medicine which has helped me so much. I'm much happier and my anxiety is a little bit easier to handle and my depression is under control. I have good days and bad days, but when those bad days come I am able to pull myself out of the black hole my depression puts me in. I see a doctor every other week who shows me different ways I can handle my anxiety, I have a panic attack every now and then but usually it has to be something really upsetting or a bad environment that triggers it.

While all this mental health stuff was going on along with the heart breaking news of me not being able to graduate in December..my best friend of 8 years decided to stab me in the back and take away the one person who I grew close to down here. Not only did she ruin 8 years of friendship, but she also took away the one friend that I had down here that I truly believed was like a sister to me. My friend of 8 years did this in a matter of 24 hours, my maid of honor. I'm not going to get into details because I really do need to move on with my life, but because of this 24 betrayal event...I shut down. I didn't want to be around people, at all. When Eric and I went out, I started to get upset when we were near big groups of people. When people asked if I wanted to hang out with them, I refused. This one 24 hour event, my maid of honor and my "sister" had hurt me so much, that I literally lost all the will to hang out with people.

It took me 2 months to be able to want to be around people again. Usually I do a lot of volunteer events with the  FRO (family readiness officer) and with the other spouses of Eric's unit. But after everything that had happened, I didn't even want to do any of that either. In early May I was about to go to a spouse event when I had a panic attack. I was so scared of being with people again that I was on the phone minutes before the event was happening with my mom sobbing because I was so scared of getting hurt again. So scared. My mom gave me a pep talk and I went to the event, and I am really glad I did. It was kinda like the first step of getting over what happened and I'm recovering. I'm still not okay with being around people for a long time, but I'm getting there.

To be honest I think it was my own fault for getting hurt in the first place. Before I moved, I vowed to myself that I would open up with people. I wouldn't judge or be afraid of people, I really, really wanted to make new friends and learn about other people. And I did, but in the end the people that I opened up to, came back to hurt me in the end with all the things I opened up to them about. Needless to say, lesson learned and I will continue to try to be open with people. But I will never, ever let down my walls so easily as I did before ever again.

I have learned so much from getting married and moving away from home. Good and bad things, about people and life in general. Sometimes I don't like it here and sometimes I do, but to be honest with you...I feel like that everywhere I go. No matter what I'm doing  or where I am at, I never feel settled. I feel like a gypsy, constantly hence the name of my blog.

Although things in my life aren't exactly the way I want them to be, I just know there is something bigger and better that is going to happen to me. There just has to be. I am so sick and tired of getting my heart broken over things that I can't control or people that don't matter. With my anxiety I am in constant worry of something, always. It is beyond my control and no matter what I do, I will always worry about something.

Will I ever make it to Japan? Will I ever graduate? Do they really like me? Are you sure this is the right choice? Will I ever be able to get a job with this degree? Will we always have to worry about money? What if something happens to you? What if the car stops working? Are you sure you have all your gear? Did you eat enough? Do you have everything you need? Are you relaxed enough? Are you okay? Are you happy?

I googled what the definition of "complicated" is: consisting of many interconnecting parts or elements; intricate.

If I had to sum up my life in the past 4 months, that's exactly what it's been like. Different parts of my life, connecting, disconnecting, separating, getting twisted. I want to believe that things will work out on its own and things will be okay, but sometimes I have a hard time believing that. Right now? I feel okay, I'm tired more than anything. Worried about summer school, worried about Eric and maybe an upcoming deployment, worried about being apart again for 4 months. Which I totally want to slap myself over because I'm like really Katy? Remember when he was in Japan for 2 & a half years and you never saw each other?

I think things will be okay, I also believe that bad things happen to people to make them stronger. And I think god is testing me, which is okay. He wouldn't give me anymore that I could handle right?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't mind letting you down easy, but just give it time. If it don't hurt now then just wait, just wait a while.  You're not the big fish in the pond no more, you are what they're feeding on.

So what are you gonna do when the world don't orbit around you?

So what are you gonna do when the world don't orbit around you?

Ain't it fun living in the real world? Ain't it good being all alone?

Ain't it good to be on your own? Ain't it fun you can't count on no one?

Don't go crying to your mama 'cause you're on your own in the real world

Don't go crying to your mama 'cause you're on your own in the real world

Ain't it fun? Ain't it fun?

Baby, now you're one of us

Ain't it fun? Ain't it fun?

-Paramore, "Ain't it fun"

Listen here

Somebody I Used to Know.

Well, 2014 hasn't exactly started off the way I hoped; in fact its gone quite the opposite direction. I wanted the first week of the new year to be happy, relaxing and just fresh. Everything was brand new, a chance at a do over. I wanted to start off the new year with positivity and good vibes. I always ask myself why doesn't things work out the way we plan them to? And my answer to myself always makes me think of God and how the bible along with a lot of people say that "I/He have/has a plan for you." And I ask myself again, silently I pray: "Why can't you tell me what your plan is? Or why can't you guide me?" I always expect an answer but I get silence instead.

I always try to think in a positive way and considering I'm a half glass full kind of girl, its not something that comes easy to me. I'm very negative and since I started college I realized how much of a problem it is, so I slowly started to work on that aspect of myself. 4 years later and I am pretty dang proud of myself because I'm not as negative as I used to be. I don't think I will be a full glass person but I'm not as dark as I used to be.

I like the new year because I think its such a lovely concept; its a brand new year, 365 days and you start right back at 1. And every year, I try my best to start off with a positive outlook and lots of ambition. Now its no secret that I've gained a lot of weight, in fact, during the duration of 2013 I gained 60 lbs because of wedding and school anxiety and stress.

Needless to say I'm not happy with myself and I cannot stand to even look at myself in the mirror most of the time. So its back to working out regularly for me and back to Weight Watchers. Besides losing weight, I also want to work on being happy with myself and happy in general. I fully intend to make 2014 my year; I have so many wonderful things to look forward to, for example when I was back in Ohio visiting last week I found out that if I take summer classes over the summer, I'll be graduating college in December. I have other exciting news to share but they have to stay secret for now, but hopefully I'll be able to share them soon. (No I am not pregnant.)

I am very, very serious about making 2014 "my year." I want to lose weight, be happy, grow even more as a person and lastly, spend as much time with Eric as I can. I don't have time to deal with ANY KIND of negativity...which brings me to the whole point of this blog post.

In the first week of January, I was lied to. About something that was so insignificant and that didn't matter, that if "lying" was a person they would of been offended. I wish I could say it was something I could overlook, but to me lying is the ultimate form of betrayal. I don't care if its a small white lie, do not lie to me. I value honesty over a lot of other things. Anyway, one lie became two and two lies became three and it got to the point where I wanted to explode, scream at the top of my lungs and break something. Lying over something...that didn't even matter.

Those 3 lies burned a few bridges for me and destroyed whatever relationship I had with that person. Someone who swore up and down that they "weren't that kind of person," someone I cared about, looked up to and loved very much. Somebody I used to know.

I wonder sometimes if its events like this that God does to us to test us or specially to test me. Things haven't been that easy down here, becoming a marine wife, moving away from home, dealing with school from afar...nothing has been easy. But losing people that I thought were my friends in the most horrible way, is that God testing me too?

But you know what, if you were really my friends you wouldn't lie to me. Friends trust me each other, they love and care about each other, they don't lie to each other. I don't need people in my life like that, because once again, 2014 is going to be my year and I don't need negative people like you in my life, ever. 

So even though you hurt me, hurt other people close to me too, I don't wish you unhappiness but I do hope you realize the bridges you burn can't be fixed or build up again. I'm not looking back anymore, I'm looking forward, I'm sick of looking back and from now on, I refuse to look back. 

In the future, I hope you realize what we had was real and what you did was wrong. I also hope you look back and smile at all the fun times we had, because I'll cherish those memories for the rest of my life no matter how much you hurt me. It was nice, thinking that for once in my life, I had one true friend. 

But I guess that true friend was neither of you.