驀進

驀進 is the Japanese kanji for the word "rush" and "dash."  I chose this kanji for the title of this post because for the past 2 months, November & December, I have felt nothing but rushed.

I guess the biggest thing to discuss in this post is me being sick for an entire month. In early November, my military doctor put me on a Vitamin D supplement to take once a week because ever since I started college four years, I have really tired for some reason. And not just tired tired feeling, but being tired even though I slept 14 hours tired. So once I was assigned to my military doctor, she ran tests on me and tested my blood and came to find out that was no Vitamin D in my system, to the point where the blood specialist had a hard time finding any Vitamin D in my blood. So naturally my doctor gave me a supplement of 50,000 mg of Vitamin D.

So a week passed, Eric & I came home for Thanksgiving and all of a sudden...I was in pain, intense burning pain. This might be TMI (too much information) and I apologize, but I had to pee all the time and it hurt badly. I tried to fight it for as long as I could taking over the counter drugs, but it got to the point where I needed to go see a doctor. So after we got home from Ohio, I saw another doctor (my personal doctor wasn't available at the time.) and told her what was going and she gave antibiotics for a few days and sent me on my way. I took the antibiotics and they worked for awhile but as soon as the medicine was gone, I was in even more pain than before. Eric took me to the ER and we were there for 6 hours; the ER doctor thought it was an infection with a UTI so they gave me an IV with fluids and antibiotics. He then talked to us about staying the night to be watched, so the in patient doctors came in, checked me out...and then the ER doctor and the in patient doctors argued over 3 hours whether I should stay or not. No, I am not kidding.

They also had to put an IV in my hand, I was NOT happy. 

Its been almost 2 weeks and my hand STILL hurts. No joke.

I was sent home and given a bunch of antibiotics and for once the pain stopped. However once again, when the medicine ran out, the "infection" came back and it came with a vengeance.  So Eric ran me back to the hospital and they tested me again and my infection was pretty much cleared up my PH was at  4. Not only did I have that going on, they tested me for the flu and I had the flu on top of everything else. 

So to make this long story short, I was getting sick because of the 50,000 mg of vitamin D I was taking. And you want to know who figured this all out? Not the Navy or their doctors, nope....my husband did. In his own words this what caused me to be sick:

"So here is actually what happens, her body normally doesnt use much vitamin D as she has been used to this for a while, she is always drinking milk because her body craves the calcium but without the proper amounts of vitamin D and magnisium in her system already, her body cannot utilize the calcium from her diet. now lets say that you take 1000mg dosage of vitamin d per day to make up from your lack of sunlight in the northern states. the provider put Katy on a 50,000 IU dosage once a week. what this is doing, is the moment all that available vitamin d hits the system her body goes, whoa i got the building blocks for repairing her bones, quick lets draw all the calcuim and magnisium from her food and bloodstream and repair bone with it. this is all fine and dandy except for what happens when you draw all the calcium out of your bloodstream rapidly. calcium has one more good purpose in the body, and that is to maintain the PH balance of your urine. now when you suddenly have no calcium to expel from your system, your urine becomes extremely acidic without the calcium base to neutralize it. so in turn if you take heavy vitamin d dosages and don't balance with a calcium supplement, you are going to pee acid. Not fun. After reading her file, I noticed the start of her symptoms occurred around the same time her vitamin d therapy started, so I looked up vitamin d toxicity and other side effects of the therapy."

That was a conversation he had with someone on Facebook while he was explaining what was going on, 7 doctors along with my own doctor and a specialist could not figure out what was wrong with me....but my husband did. My hero! :) 

So I stopped taking the Vitamin D and I am feeling like myself again, just in time for Christmas!

Speaking of Christmas, everything this year was just so, so crazy and busy. It was just all a blur and rush to me, it was a nice Christmas but at the same time everything went by so fast that I feel like I didn't really get to enjoy it. Next year will be very different, I'm sure.

2013...wasn't really a good year, besides getting married to Eric it was a bust. I don't know if it was a bad year because it was an odd number year, but...it just wasn't a good year! I want 2014 to mean something, I want 2014 to be a good year. And for once, I want to finish the resolutions I make, instead of making them and forgetting them later on. 

1. Lose 50 lbs, I can't stand the way I look. So its back to Weight Watchers, eating clean & working out.

2. I want to spend less time on electronics. 

3. Travel somewhere new.

4. Open my online shop.

5. Learn how to sew.

6. Cosplay/make my own clothes for the cosplay.

7. Finish more Pinterest projects.

8. Work on my anxiety more.

9. Get all A's & B's Spring Semester

10. Go to the beach more. 

11. Update my blogger more.

12. Spend as much time as I can with Eric. 

I love the idea of starting over with a clean slate, it means hope for a better day in my opinion. So as I finish my last blog post for 2013, I'll finish off with one of my favorite lyrics of all time:

"Maybe it's not my weekend, but it's gonna be my year." 

Eric & I got married a year ago today :) 

Happy New Year readers!!!

Keep the faith, sweetheart.

Lately, I've been having a hard time with just about everything. And for some odd reason, I thought once I moved down here, started living with Eric and such that everything would calm down with no issues.

Boy was I a dumb ass. 

One thing happened after the other, our impala's transmission blew up, Eric was gone for basically a month because of a special training school, I couldn't find a job, we took our car to get an oil change and we found out that our brake lines were so rusted that they could of stopped working at any time. Yeah. 

Eric and I have been together since I was 16 years old, we have been together for almost 6 years however we have never lived together. Getting used to each other has been a challenge, when he was deployed to Japan for 2 years, I was 18 and I moved into the dorms for my college. I was already pretty independent there, but it only increased  after that. So living together hasn't been easy, not at all. We are still getting used to each other.

Once Eric joined the marines I knew from the very minute we swore in that we would have limited time together and limited time to see each other. I thought once we got married, we would see each other more often and just be a family together with Noir (our cat). His unit has actually caused a lot of problems because he hasn't been getting a lot of time off, usually marines get 96's (3 day weekends) or 120s (4-5 days off) but he hasn't been getting though. Duty has been a problem too, (duty is when marines go to the barracks and basically stay and babysit the guys & girls at the barracks for 24 hours).

He literally had duty the day after the marine ball and then a week later, he had duty again! Like seriously?! This unit has over 1500 marines...GO FIND ANOTHER CORPORAL TO DO DUTY DAMNIT.

Its been very frustrating and I've been very homesick because Eric really hasn't had any time for me. Its hard for me to do things when we only have one car and most of the time Eric has the car. I can't find a job, so I'm stuck at home taking care of things and doing school work...which at first, I didn't mind but now, its eating away at me.

I haven't been home since September, I've seen my mom twice since then but I haven't see anyone else. I love Noir, but I miss all my other cats I had back home and my dogs too. I miss my dad, my grandparents, the Bradshaw's, my friends, Kent...I miss everyone so much.

But I've been having issues with my "friends" back home too. I was told by several people, "you'll find out who your 'real friends' are when you move." I really didn't take that comment to heart because I thought all my friends truly cared about me. Once I moved, I made the effort to text and keep in touch with everyone. But then people stopped texting me back, so I stopped texting them...why waste my time when I put in the effort to stay close with someone who doesn't even want to talk to me? Makes no sense. The people that still talk to me and keep up with whats going with me and such are great, but it still hurts to see how many people have just...fallen off the face of the earth. It's sad because you think you know someone and then, all of a sudden..you don't. 

Meanwhile besides that drama, Eric was told that we could go home for Thanksgiving! I was sooooo excited and happy! Our original plan was to leave early tomorrow, get home later in the evening and have an extra day home (Wednesday) because we have to be back in NC on Sunday afternoon. But of course, that's not going to happen now. Thanks Marine Corp! 

We are now leaving early (hopefully!) Wednesday morning and shall get to Ohio later in the evening. Which gives me 72 hours of being home. I was heartbroken when Eric told me because that extra day was going to give me time with my doctor at Kent, some more time with my family and I was just so, so upset. We'll be home for Christmas, but who knows for how long.

I know its just a day, but to me it just gave me more time and I just wanted some more time with my family. I shouldn't have to rush around to see people and give like just a minute of my time so I can go see someone else. It's just too much. 

A few days ago, I was looking through Netflix when I saw an old movie that I hadn't see since I was  very little the Rescuers by Disney. It had been so long since I had seen it, I couldn't even remember the plot line  So as I watching it, I couldn't stop myself from crying several times and it was all because of this guy, Rufus:

For the past few months, I've been so down because of all these bad things that keep happening to us. 

I've been homesick and sad, 

but this movie..just made me feel so much better. 

Even though I was crying, this cat, this animated cat put the broken pieces of my heart back together. 

Faith is a bluebird you see from a far

it’s for real and as sure as the first evening star

you can’t touch it or buy it or wrap it up tight

but it’s there just the same

making things turn out right

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I stopped being happy, dreaming and hoping because I got into a very dark place. And what he said to this little girl, made me realize that I have be strong even though I am having the hardest time right now. I know I feel this way because of domino effect of bad news happening to us mixed in with feeling homesick...but it can't rain forever. It doesn't stay dark forever and good things happen to good people when they are having the worst of days. I want to be myself again, the woman who has so many big dreams and hopes. Traveling, going to Disney world and Japan. Graduating college, getting a job, supporting myself and maybe even publish a book someday. 

I know going home won't fix things, but it's a start and I'm going to keep fighting till I'm back to who I was. 

I'm going to keep the faith. 

22.

So much has happened within the past month past few weeks of November! October was very hard for me, Eric went through special training that I really can't talk about, but it was not a fun experience for me. First of all, he was gone for 7 days with no contact whatsoever. And this was the first time since he got home from Japan that we weren't able to talk, since then even if we didn't get to talk to each other, we at least go to text or call. We couldn't do that during this training and it sucked. It was very hard and it was an experience I don't want to deal with for a very long time.

It also didn't help that when Eric returned, he wasn't himself and he wasn't himself for a long time. The training was so intense that it was really hard for him to break away from what I like to call his "marine mode". Marine mode is where Eric or any marine basically shows little to no emotion, is cranky or mean or is just very stand offish and pushes you away and doesn't let you get close. Eric was in marine mode for a good 2 and a half weeks. Which really sucked because, he got back a few couple days before my birthday (Oct 28th) and he just wasn't himself. I was sad, depressed and just overall disappointed because I wanted my birthday to be special because it was the first birthday we could spend together in almost 4 years.

Eric might of been out of it, but I did have a great birthday because on someone else.

Sunday, the 27th, there was a knock on the door and when I looked through our peephole to see who it was, I saw a bunch of balloons. I was like, what the heck? I open the door and behind the balloons was my mother. I was immediately filled with joy, happiness, relief and all these emotions.

I was so happy to see, I hadn't see her or any of my family since September and after such an intense month where I hardly saw Eric...I needed my mother. The next day was my birthday and while Eric worked, my mom and I went to Topsail Island and shopped and just hung out. We also went to the beach and shelled which is one of our absolute favorite things to do. Later on in the evening, my mom treated us to the Melting Pot for my birthday dinner was fabulous and delicious. Once we got home after dinner, I opened presents and had cake that Eric made for me. 

The cake was awesome! Eric is very weary of baking but he made me a cake anyway, it was white with chocolate frosting and it was really good! My mom brought presents from her and my dad and my grammy and granddaddy. My mom got me a $100 Target gift card was awesome! And also a really cool Pandora charm and my dad also got me a Pandora charm (I'm gonna have to take pictures of it and post it soon!) My grandparents got me a cookbook, a glass pot, a fall themed pot warmer and oven mitt. And also the cook book I posted above.

It was such a great birthday and I was so thankful my mom was there. 

Indian Summer

10/17 marks the anniversary of me moving down here to North Carolina! It is absolutely crazy how fast time has flown and I cannot believe I've been here for 3 months AND that it's October! There has been so much that has happened and changed and I won't lie, it hasn't been easy. It is my first time ever being away from home, when I lived at my college for the past 3 years I was only 30-45 minutes away. But down here, I am 700 miles and 10-11 hours away, kind of a big change. Personally, I do not like change, most of the time I fight against it instead of trying to understand it and mold with it. Not me! I'm stubborn which is really frustrating because I wanted to be down here, I wanted to be with Eric so badly and I didn't think there would be so many changes.

I love the South, the I love the ocean, the salt air and the heat...but when I do like how far away things are. Really, to get anywhere down here for example, a Walmart, Target, or Mall, it takes 30-45 minutes and basically an hour to go back and forth to get anything. That is frustrating. I also struggle with not having a car most of the time, because we only have one car. Everything is highway down here and I really don't have a lot of experience driving on the highway because back home in Ohio, everything I drove on was back roads. Not only that, but one of the biggest issues I'm struggling with down here is milk. Yep, you read that right and no I am not joking. I tried several types of milk down here and of course being me, I only liked one brand and they only sell that brand at the local Food Lion. Back home, the gas station wasn't even a minute away from my house and down here, its 10-15 minutes to get milk. Yes, something that small but so significant to me bothers the living crap out of me. It's like things that really shouldn't matter, but they do.

I know I'm still adjusting and learning new things and how to maneuver myself around down here, but sometimes its too much for me. Some days, I am so sad that all I want to do is curl up a ball and sleep with Noir at my side. And then there are other days, most days, where I am so happy that I run to do the door when Eric comes home to give him a welcome home kiss, those are the days that make the sad days seem invisible and not important.

September flew by pretty quick, I looked at the calender and Labor Day was gone, I went home for 7 days, came back, Eric turned 25 and the next thing I knew it was October! But one of my favorite things we did in September was go to the Onslow County Fair. It was so much fun! We went on Tuesday of the week long fair and of course, on Military Appreciation night. We went on several rides and I got to try fried oreos for the first time ever too! (They actually weren't that great to be honest, it was very odd tasting.)

Fried Oreos! A check off my bucket list!

The first weekend in October we went to a local farm in Jacksonville called Mike's Farm and went Pumpkin picking. It was lots of fun and Eric picked out like 30 lb pumpkin. However before we were about to leave the pumpkin patch, our tractor driver forgot the tractor was in reverse and turned it on while people were getting on the tractor, instead of going forward it went backward and knocked a little boy on his back and under the tractor (he was around 2-3 years old by the way) and his mother who is about to give birth any day now, pulls him back and falls onto her back in the process and everyone went nuts. People were screaming at the kid to stop, Eric threw his pumpkin and jumped off the tractor to help. Luckily though, the guy stopped the tractor just in time before it hit her bump. It was very scary and I am just so glad that the woman and her son (and future child too!) are safe and unharmed. After that we went to go eat at the farm's resturant to relax and cool off, we were very jumpy after that needless to say, haha! The farm's restaurant which was an endless buffet, the waitress brings you buckets full of food and dessert which included: corn, ham and biscuits, homemade mac n cheese, green beans, chicken and homemade desserts. It was amazing and I'm sure we'll go back to Mike's Farm for the Christmas Light show they have there too or probably for the food ;)

Our pumpkins!

Eric and his 30 lb pumpkin!

After our pumpkin farm trip, that was the last weekend for awhile that Eric and I would really have to spend together. Since October 7th he's been in a 3 week long course that literally has him working and studying for 10 hours of the day. The first week he was gone from 6AM to 9PM at night, that lasted for a week and that was horrible. Since August Eric has been working half days or he's been on the range coaching, so I got to see a lot more of him than usual which was nice. On Thursday he left for a week to go train, basically something I can't talk about or discuss, fact of the matter is...he's gone for 7 days. He doesn't have his phone and I probably won't hear from him till Thursday or Friday. Which sucks, we haven't been able to talk at all since he's been in Japan!!! I realized that before he left Thursday and got very sad at the thought. Its frustrating because I don't agree with this training and to make it worse, he's gone for a week and we can't communicate at all. I've been feeling kind of lonely, but I have Noir and Alex hanging around which has been nice....but I still miss my husband. 

Its funny because the past few days, I had several thoughts going through my head, questions and comments that I've been saying to myself like: Don't you remember when he was in Japan? And you went MONTHS, 200+ days without seeing him? Or when he was on ship for 3-4 months and you didn't hear anything from him? So why are you getting upset over 7 days Katy? Whats wrong with you? And the most hurtful question keeps popping into my head every so often since he's left: 

When did I become so weak?

Does feeling sad and lonely mean I'm weak because I can't see or talk to him for 7 days? I don't know, but to me it seems that way because I remember how days would go on forever without me seeing him and I wouldn't shed a tear or feel anything. But now, I'm not like that and I keep wondering why. I don't have an answer.

Besides hanging around the apartment, doing online class work, cooking and cleaning I've been really trying to make some new friends down here. And I'll be blunt, I should not even bothered with certain people. I really don't have a lot of "close" friends, I have friends but not like lots best friends ya know? I have friends who I keep in touch with and keep up with their everyday lives, but I only have a few close friends. When I first moved down here, I promised myself that I would once again, try to put myself out there, be more friendly and make an effort with people. And its worked with some people, but not a lot. I'm really good friends with the people who live in our apartment complex and I really adore my neighbor Julia. However other marine wives I tried to connect with didn't work and formed cliques with each other, basically making me feel left out and stupid that I even bothered with them. So lesson learned, once again. 

I also started to go to events with the MARSOC (Eric's battalion) Marine wive group, called the Spartan wives which is really awesome and fun. I was nervous going to an event by myself, but I made myself do it and I am so glad I did because they made me feel so welcome and I had so much fun. I'm also volunteering to help out with the FRO's (Family Readiness Officer) Thanksgiving feast for the marines stationed in the barracks next month which I'm excited about. I'm going to keep volunteering with the FRO I think and also continue to keep going to the Spartan Wife's events. 

I also tried to look for a job, but sadly no one is hiring down here at the moment. And its also hard to get a job when we have one car too, so I'm trying to find a job close to base and our apartment but its been a no go so far. 

I've also been busy making crafts and DIY (do it yourself) projects as well, I'm really hoping to open a shop soon and sell things online, but first I need to see a good response from things I'm making to be able to sell them. We shall see!

Right now I'm looking forward to seeing Eric when he gets home because he should get a few extra days off and my birthday is in 9 days. I don't know how I feel about turning 22 because I've really enjoyed being 21 and I'm sad to see it go. But, I'm excited to see what 22 has in store for me! :)

Till next time~

My handsome boys!

Turtles in a half shell, turtle power!

Two weeks ago, I went home for about 7 days and my mom drove me back to North Carolina to stay with us. It was a really nice visit and I really enjoyed the past 2 weeks with my mom. Sadly, she was supposed to go back to Ohio yesterday (Tuesday 9/17/13) however we found out that the local Turtle Hospital was releasing 3 turtles back into the ocean the next day, the last release of the year and immediately my mom decided to stay another day. I was excited because I've been wanting to see several turtle releases since I've moved down here, but its been hard since we only have one car. Plus, I wanted to see the turtles go back into the ocean with my mom. She loves turtles, I think she loves turtles as much as she loves cats which is a lot people!

The next day we got up mega early and headed straight for the beach! The turtles were being released at 10am sharp so we wanted to make sure we got front row seats. It was a beautiful day for the turtles to go back to their homes! It wasn't too hot or too cold, it was just perfect.

Our seats :)

Oceans Eleven had a rough start going back home

Precious Sea Star :)

Unfortunately, the Loggerhead turtle (the big one!) Oceans Eleven was realllly hard to get pictures of because so many volunteers were around him. I did get pictures of the two little green sea turtles though, Sea Star and Blue. I really loved watching Blue come out because as soon as he saw the ocean, he started moving his flippers up and down because he was so excited. It was a really, really life changing experience and I am so glad I got to experience with my mom. Although it wasn't perfect, (people were rude, pushing and shoving, standing in the way of pictures etc) it was a memory and day I wouldn't trade for the world.

Here is the website for the Karen Beasley Sea Turtle Hospital, it is really, really cool. I highly recommend checking it out. http://www.seaturtlehospital.org/

To be honest, I've felt sick all day and I mainly think its emotional sickness because my mom went back to Ohio today. I don't know when I'll see her next and that is the absolute worst feeling in the world. I've had to experience that exact same feeling every time Eric left to go back to Japan which was a total of 3 times. But that feeling is 10x worse when it comes to your mother, let me tell you.

I love living in North Carolina, I love the heat and the salty air and my new life down here, however I cannot stand how it takes 45 minutes to an hour to get ANYWHERE. Its a bit ridiculous, considering back home in Ohio...the nearest Target and Mall was 10-15 minutes away from my house so coming down here to this distance nonsense is so FRUSTRATING. I miss home. 

Now before you start saying I TOLD YOU SO BLAH BLAH BLAH, hold your horses. I do not miss Ohio or its psycho bipolar weather, no; I miss my home, my animals, my house, my neighborhood. I miss Kent, my dorm, my friends, campus, the black squirrels. I miss how close everything is and how easy it is to get there, but besides that...I do not miss my old life. I'm still adjusting, Eric and I are still getting used to each other and being "a grown up" sucks a lot. But I'm hanging in there, I just miss my mom...so much.

Its funny, when Eric was overseas for two years...I thought that when I moved away with him I wouldn't feel that pain in my chest, that hole that I couldn't fill. But I still that hole, only this time it doesn't hurt because I'm away from him, it hurts because I'm away from my mother. 

Have you ever loved someone so much that if they weren't in your life somehow, you would just feel empty? 

I have two. 

Landslide

Where did June go?!

So my last blog post was really just a venting session, I didn't write about what anything that has been going in the last few weeks so I figured I would talk about what's been going on.

Earlier in June I went to my second anime convention called Colossalcon in Sandusky, Ohio. It was held at the convention center at Kalahari Resort. It was lots of fun! The water park, convention center and hotel was amazing! My second convention was pretty awesome and I would really like to go back next year for sure, except this time actually stay in the hotel because its just easier. The biggest moment of the convention was the fact I was finally going to meet someone who I had loved and looked up to for 12 years. His name is Vic Mignogna. He is a really famous voice actor in the English anime industry. Vic has voiced several of my favorite anime characters and I've always loved him. Not only does he voice act, but he also sings, writes and produces music. At the con, I got to meet Vic and let me tell you it was one of the most surreal and amazing moments of my life.

I used to be very shy about talking about it, but now that I'm older...I don't mind it, especially if it helps someone else. I was bullied throughout 8th-10th grade, bullied to the point where I tried to kill myself. I had several people try and help me through that horrible time in my life and one of them was Vic. Even though he wasn't there with me in person, his characters and his music was. Every time I felt so horrible, so alone and just so desperate to end it all...I listened to his music. 

Vic was late to his autograph/meet session and I remember waiting in line just nervous, my hands shaking, my heart beating so fast...and then...I heard cheers coming from the hallway. He was here and I couldn't stop grinning. However as he started to set up his table, a lump formed in my throat and I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. I couldn't believe that I was actually going to meet him, I was just overwhelmed with emotion it was crazy! And then...it was my turn to see him, I took a deep breath and smiled.

 On June 7th, I told Vic this:"Hi Vic. I was bullied throughout middle school and the beginning of high school. Your voice acting and music helped me through that horrible time in my life and I don't know if I would be here today if it weren't for people like you. You gave me a heart made fullmetal" (A heart made fullmetal is a reference to one of his characters he voices) I just blurted everything out without thinking haha! And I thought to myself, oh my god! He must think I'm crazy or something. But he didn't, he looked at me for a second and then smiled. I noticed his eyes started to tear up and he grabbed me.

Vic hugged me for a good minute and then kissed my cheek, I couldn't believe it. One of my heroes cried for me, showed compassion for me and kissed my cheek. It literally was one of the best moments of my life. I really hope that one day I can see him again because he is the most amazing person, so kind and so nice. 

And I am so glad he liked my present!

I bought a wooden heart, painted it and added some wooden pieces with screws (with the help of my amazing mom!) and tried to make it look like auto mail like the character he voices.

He said he loved it so I'm happy! :)

You can learn more about Vic here :)

Colossalcon was also the first time I cosplayed which was fun. Ever since I was like 10, I wanted to cosplay as Kikyo from Inuyasha and that's who I was! Here are is a picture of myself and some of my other favorite cosplays I saw at the con! 

Me as Kikyo

El Dorado! Tulio & Chel

Yu Yu Hakusho. Kuwabara & Yuusuke

The Little Mermaid! Ursula and Ariel! (s)

Bane from Batman

Captain Jack Sparrow! He had a lovely accent.

An awesome Sora from Kingdom Hearts

Colossalcon was a lot more fun than Ohayocon and I am so glad I went! There were some issues, but nothing is perfect ya know? Plus I got to meet Vic, so overall I am very happy I went. Besides the con, I've been umpiring on and off...however the season's over now so I'm officially done. I'm not sure if I'll continue to umpire when I move, but at least I have 4 years of experience under my belt. 

There has been some drama every now and then with the wedding and several people have tested my mom and I, but besides that...everything has fallen into place for the wedding. It was a bumpy road, I'm not gonna lie: if I could do all over again of course there would be parts of planning I would do over, but nothing is ever perfect right? I'm excited for my wedding and nervous to move. That's another issue I'm dealing with at the moment: moving. I've sorted through my things and put stuff aside I want to take...but I've literally been avoiding packing like the plague. My mom is annoyed at me right now because of it and I understand her annoyance, but at the same time....it's just hitting me now that I'm leaving.

And I am scared and nervous about it. I'll finally be with Eric, but at what cost? Leaving everything I know, my mom, my animals, my home, Ohio...and once again everything I know...will it all be worth it? I have always wanted to be with Eric, I don't doubt that at all. But I am scared of being somewhere completely different. I felt like this when I moved to Kent of course, but being at Kent...I was 30-45 minutes away...not 12 hours and 700 miles away like I will be in North Carolina.

I want to be brave and act like this isn't a big deal or anything, moving is nothing..no problem! But inside I am freaking out! Last week I was in my room, sorting through some stuff and it just hit me...BAM. A voice inside my head said: you are moving. You are leaving behind your mom, your cats, your home, your friends, everything you know. I haven't had a panic attack in awhile so it sucked and I cried like I've never cried before. My emotions are ridiculous right now, uncontrollable. And of course there are STILL certain idiots pissing me off with the wedding, so I am one my last nerve with that too.

I just wish, I could close my eyes and calm myself. Like the ocean...it can be so nasty, so scary, so angry one moment and then the next, calm, quiet and clear. Why can't I do that? 

Either way, I am really hoping I can pull myself together because all this waiting for the past 3 years has come to an end. Time, for once is on my side and apparently fate is kicking at me, finally telling me to start the next chapter of my life. Before I wrap this blog post up I want to make something clear: I'm not afraid of starting my life together or moving away with Eric, I'm scared of myself....scared that I won't be strong enough to hold myself up when he isn't with me. I think it's funny, everyone says that Eric and I will have so much more time together and we will, but not as much as you think. At the end of the day the Marine Corp owns him and the MC can take him away at any time. He still works 5 and (sometimes 6) days a week. So we won't be together all the time...and that's what I'm afraid of, what will I be like when I'm without him, alone. 

I just hope that I'm strong enough. 

5 days till the wedding.