I have PTSD.

The month of June is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) awareness month. PTSD awareness is very important to me because being involved with the Marine Corp, I have seen what PTSD does to our brave men and women that come home from serving our country. Living with PTSD is very hard to deal and it is a horrible, horrible illness that many people don’t understand.

But talking about PTSD is also something that directly relates to me because I was diagnosed with PTSD last June.

 Once again very ironic because June is PTSD awareness month. For four years I went about my daily life struggling with panic attacks, sleeping troubles, constant/random ringing in my ears, irritably, mood swings and heightened anxiety. For most of my life I knew I struggled with depression and anxiety, but never in a million years I would of guessed I had something like PTSD.

I am writing this blog not for you to pity me, but for you as a reader, friend, family remember or even a random stranger to understand what I go through along with 7.7 million Americans (most of them beings vets and active military personnel) go through on a daily basis.

Loud noises make my ears ring for twenty-thirty minutes straight, I get very jumpy whether it was a random noise or someone scaring me, big crowds bother me, I can’t stand having someone near my “bubble,” If someone is too close to me, I can feel them even when they aren’t near me. My mood swings vary, I have good days and then I have very bad days where I can be happy one minute, and the next minute I am mad as hell. Panic attacks were something I had twice a day, I don’t know if you were had a panic attack ever before in your life but if you haven’t, imagine not being able to breathe or hear anything around you. All of a sudden it’s like you are in a movie, something can be going on around but all you see is everything in slow motion. Your chest burns and your heart is being fast, you can’t breathe…it is one of the most awful feelings in the entire world and it’s SCARY. After having a panic attack you feel exhausted, you know why? Having a panic attack is the equivalent of running a marathon. Another aspect of PTSD is nightmares, constant or random...either way nightmares occur often when you have PTSD and they usually include your deepest, darkest fears.

For four years, I went through college and struggled every day because I suffered from these symptoms. For four years, I thought I was insane because I had no idea what was wrong with me. I was on medicine for my anxiety and I talked to a therapist weekly, but it wasn’t enough. When I got married and moved to North Carolina, my symptoms decreased a little but at the beginning of 2014 things started to get back again. My moods were out of control, my irritably was even worse….things got to the point where I went to a place where I had two choices.

1.  I could continue on the path I was, being miserable and treating my loved ones horribly

Or

2. I could go to a Mental Health Clinic and get help.

I chose option 2, things had gotten out of control and I had to make a change. I was suffering but the ones around me, like my husband and mother were suffering more because of the way I was acting. I went to a Mental Health Clinic and it was one of the best decisions I have ever made in my entire life. The head therapist talked to me and set me up with another therapist who I was comfortable with, I also was set up with a medicine doctor who put me on the right type of medicine. (The anxiety medicine I was on wasn’t helping me very much with anything. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO BE ON THE RIGHT DOSAGE OF MEDICINE. I can’t say that enough!!) A few months of therapy and with my dosage medicine I was on, I was feeling the best I have ever felt in my entire life. Now, therapy and medicine help a lot…but let me make this clear, just because you are getting help, doesn’t mean the symptoms of your mental illness go away. For some strange reason, people think that once you get help, your mental illness disappears. It doesn’t and I want to clarify that, getting helps aids you in fighting against your mental illness, but that doesn’t mean you will ever be free off it and that is okay. For most of 2014 I had to struggle with that, thinking medicine and therapy would make my problems go away. I thought doing all the right things would make all my problems disappear. Which wasn’t the case, getting help only gives you the strength to fight back against your problems and sometimes, that’s all you need when you are struggling with a mental illness.

It was routine at the Mental Health Clinic I went to after a few sessions of therapy and medicine that you get tested, just to see if you have anything else going on with you. I answered over 600 questions, 3 different tests and on June 27^th, I was told I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I was shocked, relived and overall, devastated. Finally, I had an answer to everything I had been going through the past 4 years. However, I devastated and angry it was PTSD, to be honest with you all…I thought I was Bipolar. I kept asking myself, PTSD? The same disease that the marines and soldiers have after coming back from war? How? How could someone like me who has never seen anyone die or get blown up have PTSD? How.

I have emotional PTSD, meaning certain events that have happened to me were more mental than physical. I’m sure some of the people that personally know me are asking how the heck I was diagnosed with this right?

A lot of the people that know me personally know for a fact High School wasn’t easy for me. My family went through a lot of changes; my father had a heart attack during my junior year of high school which set in motion a lot of things. I won’t go too deep into detail on what we went through but let me say this, it has changed my perception of life and gave me a hard dosage of reality. The changes we went through will stay with me for as long as I live. But the biggest reason why I was diagnosed with PTSD (my doctors thinking this is the main reason why I have it) is because I was bullied. I was bullied by my fellow peers and I was bullied by an adult that worked at my school. An adult, I am disgusted to say still works at that school.

I played basketball my freshman year of high school, I loved and still love basketball. But I quit after one year because of the mental abuse I went through during one season. I was forced to run until I couldn’t breathe and when I asked if I could take my inhaler, I wasn’t allowed. This man constantly put me down, screamed and yelled at me any chance he had and just literally made my life a living hell. I dreaded going to practice and I dreaded going near him, he made my skin crawl. When the man who did this to me was told not to do this, he let the girls on my team both my age and older, bully me. Some of these girls I thought were my friends, but none of them stood up for me or stuck by my side. For a long time, I asked myself why they didn’t help me and maybe they didn’t because they feared the same treatment would happen to them…I’m not sure. It’s something that has always haunted me and will have me constantly wondering, ‘why didn’t you help me?’ I won’t ever forget anything these girls said or did to me for the rest of my life. 

And if any of you are reading this, I hope next time you have the choice of doing the right thing, I hope you do the right thing.

The second half of my freshman year I was bullied outside of basketball, by several upperclassmen who cornered me in the girls restroom and threatened to hurt me if I didn’t shut up. I was always confused by this because I didn’t know these girls personally, the only connection we had was that we were in choir together and I didn’t even talk to them in choir. What in the world did they want me to shut up about? So confusing. Needless to say, I was scared to death. How would you feel if you were cornered in a small area with a group of people surrounding you, threatening to hurt you? It’s not fun guys.

Although all of these things happened during my freshman year of high school, my PTSD symptoms didn’t really start to occur until I started college. My doctors think that the stress of college unearthed the emotions of what I went through in high school and manifested again in college. That is how this illness works; something can happen to you and it won’t be an issue right away. But with PTSD, you can be completely normal until something triggers you and BAM! You are suddenly dealing with PTSD full force. That’s how it happened with me.

For the longest time, I refused to get the help I needed. I took the hard road, and I stubbornly refused to take medicine or when I was on medicine I stopped taking it because I felt like it wasn’t helping me. I also wasn’t comfortable with talking to a therapist which makes no sense to me now. I started talking to a doctor 5 five years ago at Kent State and that woman has helped me grow stronger mentally and as a person so much. I will never forget that woman for as long as I live, she helped to understand my illness and fight back against my problems. Since I had such a good experience with her, I continued therapy when I was in North Carolina and will continue to do so when I return. With the combination of therapy and medicine, my life has changed drastically for the better. I still deal with my anxiety, depression and PTSD but all of it so much more manageable.

Below are some of the sites you can visit to donate or learn about PTSD. Please donate if you can, but if not support PTSD awareness by sharing these links or researching what so many Americans (like myself) go through.

http://www.ptsd.va.gov/about/ptsd-awareness/ptsd_awareness_month.asp

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/magazine/issues/winter09/articles/winter09pg10-14.html

In closing, I just want to say this: some scars you can’t see. Someone can act like the happiest person in the entire world but on the inside can be suffering. A good example of this would be Robin Williams. If you or anyone you know deals with some sort of mental illness whether it is depression, anxiety, PTSD or something else….please, I beg of you from the bottom of my heart, go get help. Go to talk a doctor, talk to someone about your problems and know this, it can get better.

I am living proof of how things can get better, I was in a very dark place in high school and I know what it’s like to want to die. But if you can stand up against the darkness inside of you, things can and will change for the better. You don’t have to live your life in constant darkness or fear. You can get help, you can control your illnesses and you can live your life.

What happened to me is something I will carry with me always, but it has shaped me as a person and it has made me stronger. "Scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue. Realize the strength, move on." - Henry Rollins. With the help I am getting, I can move on, I can live my life the way I want. As I mentioned before, I have good days and I have bad days, but knowing the joy of the good days has overpowers my bad days.

I wanted to write this blog because I am not ashamed of my problems and maybe, just maybe by sharing my story it will inspire someone else suffering out there to get help. For the loved ones of who struggle with mental illnesses, please, please be patient and be there for these people, they will need you more than ever. I am so thankful for my loved ones, especially my husband and mother who are so understanding and even though I am “unwell” they still love me unconditionally. Something I am so grateful for. Thank you for still loving me and being there for me. 

To any of you that deal with same things I do, I hope you find the courage inside you to make the choice I did. 

Katy

The Hardest Part.

I don't know what I am supposed to be feeling right now to be honest with you. It is my Spring Break and instead of relaxing...I am finishing writing up my senior paper (20 pages mind you!), studying for a mega important exam next week and counting the minutes go by...because at the end of this week, Eric is getting deployed.

I don't know what to feel or how I am supposed to feel, I actually feel like I'm all over the place at the moment. One minute I am fine, I am typing up my paper...everything is okay! The next, I feel like my entire being is being shattered into a million tiny pieces and I can't breathe. Today, that is what I feel like. I want to cry, scream and nap...but I can't do any of those things.

The hardest part of all of this is wanting to do things together, like the other day we were talking and then we realized...we didn't have enough time to do the things we were discussing. Another problem I'm struggling with is memorizing things about Eric. Sometimes, when we are are apart...I can't remember things about him, simple little things. I try to remember something and nothing appears in my mind. Ever since we flew down to North Carolina the other night and he's caught me staring at him several times and he asks me 'what?' and I just smile and shake my head. Once he looks away from me I have to stop myself from bursting into tears because my STUPID MESSED UP BRAIN cannot remember these details. And if I can't remember these details, what will I have to hold on to when he leaves?

Most of all, I have never felt so alone in my entire life. I don't know what has happened to me and having friends, but I feel like I have none. For most of my life, I have felt like this and usually I'm fine with it, I can handle it...I am USED to it. But times like these...oh how I wish I had friends or a best friend.

I'm thinking maybe boo-ing and getting all my emotions out now is a good thing, because I refuse to send Eric off like this. Besides that, I am a Spartan wife. That is what they call the spouses of his unit and it is a title that I don't want to dishonor in any shape or form.

I hope things get easier, I know our first deployment wouldn't be all sunshine and rainbows, but I pray to god I don't feel like this the entire time. I pray to god for it.

I hope this is the hardest part.

My Way.

It is kinda crazy and somewhat amazing how relaxed and calmer I feel after school is over. Like I literally feel like all the negativity has been stripped away from my body since last week ended. How sad is that? I've been so busy this semester, so, so busy. I've literally had no time for social events and that really upset me at first because I was back in Ohio and I wanted to see people that I don't get to see and hang out with them. But nothing works out the way we want it to, it seldom does.

God really tested me this semester; on one hand I love college, I love the experiences and the lifestyle of it...but the school/work part of it drains me. It depresses me, I got so depressed this semester more than once where it got to the point where I didn't want to talk to anyone or see anyone. I didn't realize how bad it got until the other day my mother said to me "you are so much nicer now!" and I looked at her confused, "What do you mean? Was I really that bad this semester?" "Yes."

Yikes. I felt really bad after she told me but like, commuting is hellacious. I set up my schedule where I thought (keep word: THOUGHT) I had enough time to get up, wake up and drive to school. By mid-October...I was exhausted. With my anxiety, driving is SO stressful. I don't mind driving, sometimes driving can be very relaxing but at the same time I remember my accident at 18. Not only that, driving back and forth..is EXHAUSTING. Who knew driving could be exhausting, seriously...who know?!

On top of driving, I moved back in with my parents. Now don't get me wrong, I love my parents, I do. But I was on my own and ran my own household for an entire year...now being used to that and moving back in with your parents....can be somewhat difficult. For example, our house in NC is in somewhat secluded area and is very quiet. My parents house, there usually some sort of noise going on. That was an adjustment, which was funny because when I first got married and moved to NC I missed the noise...but by the time I got back I was used to the quiet.

I also missed living on campus, being a commuter student and having friends living on campus was a problem too. For example, when they were free, I had class or I was on my way home. When they wanted to hang out because I couldn't because I didn't to deal with rush hour traffic. I actually applied to live back on campus next semester because I hated commuting so much. (Once again, the driving. No thank you. PLUS I DON'T WANT TO DRIVE IN THE SNOW NEXT YEAR TOO. No. Just, no.)

Class wise this semester....was one of the toughest semesters I have ever had. All of my classes were upper division. They were full of papers and exam essay questions. For this semester with all of my papers combined I probably wrote over 50,000 words, I kid you not. My biggest challenge though...was my senior class: Historians Craft and it wasn't the class itself, it was the professor. Now I have had some pretty seriously horrible teachers/professors in my lifetime...but nothing compared to this man. He was the most crude and unprofessional man I have ever met, every other word out of his mouth was "f---." He liked to single people out and humiliate them in an aggressive/mean manner. (He did this to me once and caused me to have a break down after class, I have never had a professor made me cry EVER until this man)  Worst of all, he didn't teach us ANYTHING. He literally told us to use Google AND read the books he assigned us. I am not joking. We didn't even get any papers till the week before finals AND never knew what our grades were. He was horrible. Somehow, through many tears, hair pulling and sleepless nights, I passed that class. Thank god, because if I hadn't, I would of have to taken it again AND wait another semester to graduate.

I have my last semester next year and I couldn't be more excited.

This semester has also been hard on Eric and I. He's currently getting ready for a deployment and will be leaving next year. It will be our first deployment as a married couple and honestly I have no idea what to expect. The way things are he's going to be constantly deployed for the rest of his time in the marines which is fine, but I fear for what is to come because once again, I have no idea what to expect. We made it through Japan and honestly, after that I feel like we will be able to get through everything and anything. But contrary to what most Americas think, we still have men and women getting deployed, in dangerous areas and not so dangerous areas. But there is still danger, there is still risk...accidents happen.

And I fear, with all of my heart and soul...that one day I will have a marine, dressed in his dress blues knocking on my door telling me that Eric is gone. That is my biggest fear, it always has and it always will be. I just wish I had a better idea of what was to come, but once again...I have no control over anything and I just need to ride the waves, not fight them. It's still frustrating though. Can't I get a hint? Or a cheat code or something?

Hopefully now, things are looking up. I'm enjoying my break so far and to be honest, I'm ready for the holidays to be over too. I'm just not feeling it this year, I'm ready for a new year, a fresh start, and a new beginning. I'm ready to be done with school.

Sometimes I look back and I get so angry at things I did or didn't do with school, some things I didn't understand back then that I do now.  But I can't let things like that haunt me, I'm doing things a certain way, my own way.

Although my college career hasn't gone the exact route I wanted it to, I'm getting there. & I'm getting it done my way.

The end is near.

What I learned when I was 22.

1. Owning a house is serious business.
2. Never trust women, age doesn't matter. Be careful.
3. Bad things will happen at the worst time, for example your car acting up randomly.
4. Naps are okay and you shouldn't be ashamed of how tired you are.
5. Nothing goes according to plan, and that is okay.
6. Plan ahead and have a backup plan, actually have several back up plans.
7. Don't wait to do things last minute.
8. Try not to yell.
9. People change even people you've known them for years.
10. People leave and you have to accept that.
11. Best friends can stab you in the back without blinking an eye
12. Trust no one.
13. Painting is very therapeutic.
14. Trying to be patient when you are an impatient person to begin with is quite idiotic.
15. Relax.
16. Fighting sucks, but working through something and making up after is worth it.
17. It's okay to feel lost.
18. Don't buy something unless you love it.
19. Take time out of your day to read, always.
20. Write more.
21. Have more lazy days.
22. Dream often, you'll get there someday.

I'm not sure what 23 will be like, but I hope I grow more, become a better version of myself, learn more and maybe...get some of my dreams and goals checked off my list.

Complicated.

Its been awhile, well, it's been more than awhile but I honestly have no excuse to update my blogger but one. My life has become so complicated that sometimes I need to stop what I'm doing just to process what the heck is going because things happen so quickly. So many things have happened since February. Not only did we get a beautiful house, but the road to get this beautiful house was not an easy one. I always told myself that my first spring semester as a collage freshman would be my worst semester ever, well this spring semester 2014 has been worse than my freshman spring semester...who knew it could get worse?

My classes weren't hard per see, I took Nutrition as my last science class, a language course, a writing course and a math class. I enjoyed nutrition, language and my writing courses, they were interesting, a lot of extra reading and more work, but worth it. My math class on the other hand? Pure torture. The math class was the worst; the class itself was unorganized, the teacher was slow via communication and here's the kicker dear readers, she couldn't speak English. To make it even worse, she wanted us to call her or Skype her if we had any questions. Let that sink in for a moment...calling or skyping a teacher with math questions who can't speak English.Yeah.

Ever since I've moved out of the dorms, I have wanted to be done with school. Let me be clear on this: I never, ever in my life want to leave Kent State, but school in general...I need to be done with. I was supposed to graduate this December. I'm actually moving back to Ohio for the fall semester to finish up courses I can't finish up online. The plan was to finish this spring semester, take online classes, move back home, take classes in person and graduate in December. That is all I wanted. However, I was lied to about the situation of classes. I wasn't always a history major but I was a integrated social studies major (a high history teacher) so when it came to knowing the in's and out's of a "history major" I didn't know the class plan. My advisor told me if I took summer classes, came back in the fall and took 15 credit hours of specific classes, I would be able to graduate in December. So the day comes I register for classes and one of the senior classes I need isn't letting me sign up. So I call the history department and I came to find out that you have to one of the senior classes (out of the two) pass the first one then take the other separately.  My advisor told me I could take them at the same time. How could of I known when I am still fairly new at being a history major? I was completely heartbroken when I found out, I really had my heart set out on the JET program which is the Japanese Exchange Teaching. Basically you get interviewed and get hired o teach English in Japan for 1-4 years, you get paid and well you get to live in Japan!!!! I had my heart set on that, but in order to do the JET program...you need a degree. So there goes that plan.

Not only was I struggling with the work load of this semester, I was also dealing with personal problems as well. No matter what I am doing, I put Eric's needs and wants before my own. Always. And I am telling you first because frankly, the unit Eric is in now is not easy. None of what he does is easy, ever. He wasn't supposed to Japan for 2 & a half years, he wasn't supposed to be here...but he is and day after day he fights to be here. I am so proud of him because when he signed up for the marines, he was only supposed to be a regular communications tech. He wasn't supposed to do any of this, but here he is and I could be more prouder.

I love this quote from Disney' Frozen, so true. 

I don't mind sacrificing my needs or wants or putting him first at all, however...I am human and I am not always strong. Unfortunately my depression and anxiety got out of control during March and early April. It got to the point where I would wake up and I had to fight and I mean fight to get out of bed. It took Eric awhile to catch on but once he realized what was going on with me, it only worse. It got to the point where it was affecting us, I got so irritable and frustrated that I was being horrible to people I cared about. Once I realized what I was doing, I knew I had to stop it or help myself somehow. So I found a new doctor who has me on this new medicine which has helped me so much. I'm much happier and my anxiety is a little bit easier to handle and my depression is under control. I have good days and bad days, but when those bad days come I am able to pull myself out of the black hole my depression puts me in. I see a doctor every other week who shows me different ways I can handle my anxiety, I have a panic attack every now and then but usually it has to be something really upsetting or a bad environment that triggers it.

While all this mental health stuff was going on along with the heart breaking news of me not being able to graduate in December..my best friend of 8 years decided to stab me in the back and take away the one person who I grew close to down here. Not only did she ruin 8 years of friendship, but she also took away the one friend that I had down here that I truly believed was like a sister to me. My friend of 8 years did this in a matter of 24 hours, my maid of honor. I'm not going to get into details because I really do need to move on with my life, but because of this 24 betrayal event...I shut down. I didn't want to be around people, at all. When Eric and I went out, I started to get upset when we were near big groups of people. When people asked if I wanted to hang out with them, I refused. This one 24 hour event, my maid of honor and my "sister" had hurt me so much, that I literally lost all the will to hang out with people.

It took me 2 months to be able to want to be around people again. Usually I do a lot of volunteer events with the  FRO (family readiness officer) and with the other spouses of Eric's unit. But after everything that had happened, I didn't even want to do any of that either. In early May I was about to go to a spouse event when I had a panic attack. I was so scared of being with people again that I was on the phone minutes before the event was happening with my mom sobbing because I was so scared of getting hurt again. So scared. My mom gave me a pep talk and I went to the event, and I am really glad I did. It was kinda like the first step of getting over what happened and I'm recovering. I'm still not okay with being around people for a long time, but I'm getting there.

To be honest I think it was my own fault for getting hurt in the first place. Before I moved, I vowed to myself that I would open up with people. I wouldn't judge or be afraid of people, I really, really wanted to make new friends and learn about other people. And I did, but in the end the people that I opened up to, came back to hurt me in the end with all the things I opened up to them about. Needless to say, lesson learned and I will continue to try to be open with people. But I will never, ever let down my walls so easily as I did before ever again.

I have learned so much from getting married and moving away from home. Good and bad things, about people and life in general. Sometimes I don't like it here and sometimes I do, but to be honest with you...I feel like that everywhere I go. No matter what I'm doing  or where I am at, I never feel settled. I feel like a gypsy, constantly hence the name of my blog.

Although things in my life aren't exactly the way I want them to be, I just know there is something bigger and better that is going to happen to me. There just has to be. I am so sick and tired of getting my heart broken over things that I can't control or people that don't matter. With my anxiety I am in constant worry of something, always. It is beyond my control and no matter what I do, I will always worry about something.

Will I ever make it to Japan? Will I ever graduate? Do they really like me? Are you sure this is the right choice? Will I ever be able to get a job with this degree? Will we always have to worry about money? What if something happens to you? What if the car stops working? Are you sure you have all your gear? Did you eat enough? Do you have everything you need? Are you relaxed enough? Are you okay? Are you happy?

I googled what the definition of "complicated" is: consisting of many interconnecting parts or elements; intricate.

If I had to sum up my life in the past 4 months, that's exactly what it's been like. Different parts of my life, connecting, disconnecting, separating, getting twisted. I want to believe that things will work out on its own and things will be okay, but sometimes I have a hard time believing that. Right now? I feel okay, I'm tired more than anything. Worried about summer school, worried about Eric and maybe an upcoming deployment, worried about being apart again for 4 months. Which I totally want to slap myself over because I'm like really Katy? Remember when he was in Japan for 2 & a half years and you never saw each other?

I think things will be okay, I also believe that bad things happen to people to make them stronger. And I think god is testing me, which is okay. He wouldn't give me anymore that I could handle right?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't mind letting you down easy, but just give it time. If it don't hurt now then just wait, just wait a while.  You're not the big fish in the pond no more, you are what they're feeding on.

So what are you gonna do when the world don't orbit around you?

So what are you gonna do when the world don't orbit around you?

Ain't it fun living in the real world? Ain't it good being all alone?

Ain't it good to be on your own? Ain't it fun you can't count on no one?

Don't go crying to your mama 'cause you're on your own in the real world

Don't go crying to your mama 'cause you're on your own in the real world

Ain't it fun? Ain't it fun?

Baby, now you're one of us

Ain't it fun? Ain't it fun?

-Paramore, "Ain't it fun"

Listen here

Somebody I Used to Know.

Well, 2014 hasn't exactly started off the way I hoped; in fact its gone quite the opposite direction. I wanted the first week of the new year to be happy, relaxing and just fresh. Everything was brand new, a chance at a do over. I wanted to start off the new year with positivity and good vibes. I always ask myself why doesn't things work out the way we plan them to? And my answer to myself always makes me think of God and how the bible along with a lot of people say that "I/He have/has a plan for you." And I ask myself again, silently I pray: "Why can't you tell me what your plan is? Or why can't you guide me?" I always expect an answer but I get silence instead.

I always try to think in a positive way and considering I'm a half glass full kind of girl, its not something that comes easy to me. I'm very negative and since I started college I realized how much of a problem it is, so I slowly started to work on that aspect of myself. 4 years later and I am pretty dang proud of myself because I'm not as negative as I used to be. I don't think I will be a full glass person but I'm not as dark as I used to be.

I like the new year because I think its such a lovely concept; its a brand new year, 365 days and you start right back at 1. And every year, I try my best to start off with a positive outlook and lots of ambition. Now its no secret that I've gained a lot of weight, in fact, during the duration of 2013 I gained 60 lbs because of wedding and school anxiety and stress.

Needless to say I'm not happy with myself and I cannot stand to even look at myself in the mirror most of the time. So its back to working out regularly for me and back to Weight Watchers. Besides losing weight, I also want to work on being happy with myself and happy in general. I fully intend to make 2014 my year; I have so many wonderful things to look forward to, for example when I was back in Ohio visiting last week I found out that if I take summer classes over the summer, I'll be graduating college in December. I have other exciting news to share but they have to stay secret for now, but hopefully I'll be able to share them soon. (No I am not pregnant.)

I am very, very serious about making 2014 "my year." I want to lose weight, be happy, grow even more as a person and lastly, spend as much time with Eric as I can. I don't have time to deal with ANY KIND of negativity...which brings me to the whole point of this blog post.

In the first week of January, I was lied to. About something that was so insignificant and that didn't matter, that if "lying" was a person they would of been offended. I wish I could say it was something I could overlook, but to me lying is the ultimate form of betrayal. I don't care if its a small white lie, do not lie to me. I value honesty over a lot of other things. Anyway, one lie became two and two lies became three and it got to the point where I wanted to explode, scream at the top of my lungs and break something. Lying over something...that didn't even matter.

Those 3 lies burned a few bridges for me and destroyed whatever relationship I had with that person. Someone who swore up and down that they "weren't that kind of person," someone I cared about, looked up to and loved very much. Somebody I used to know.

I wonder sometimes if its events like this that God does to us to test us or specially to test me. Things haven't been that easy down here, becoming a marine wife, moving away from home, dealing with school from afar...nothing has been easy. But losing people that I thought were my friends in the most horrible way, is that God testing me too?

But you know what, if you were really my friends you wouldn't lie to me. Friends trust me each other, they love and care about each other, they don't lie to each other. I don't need people in my life like that, because once again, 2014 is going to be my year and I don't need negative people like you in my life, ever. 

So even though you hurt me, hurt other people close to me too, I don't wish you unhappiness but I do hope you realize the bridges you burn can't be fixed or build up again. I'm not looking back anymore, I'm looking forward, I'm sick of looking back and from now on, I refuse to look back. 

In the future, I hope you realize what we had was real and what you did was wrong. I also hope you look back and smile at all the fun times we had, because I'll cherish those memories for the rest of my life no matter how much you hurt me. It was nice, thinking that for once in my life, I had one true friend. 

But I guess that true friend was neither of you. 

驀進

驀進 is the Japanese kanji for the word "rush" and "dash."  I chose this kanji for the title of this post because for the past 2 months, November & December, I have felt nothing but rushed.

I guess the biggest thing to discuss in this post is me being sick for an entire month. In early November, my military doctor put me on a Vitamin D supplement to take once a week because ever since I started college four years, I have really tired for some reason. And not just tired tired feeling, but being tired even though I slept 14 hours tired. So once I was assigned to my military doctor, she ran tests on me and tested my blood and came to find out that was no Vitamin D in my system, to the point where the blood specialist had a hard time finding any Vitamin D in my blood. So naturally my doctor gave me a supplement of 50,000 mg of Vitamin D.

So a week passed, Eric & I came home for Thanksgiving and all of a sudden...I was in pain, intense burning pain. This might be TMI (too much information) and I apologize, but I had to pee all the time and it hurt badly. I tried to fight it for as long as I could taking over the counter drugs, but it got to the point where I needed to go see a doctor. So after we got home from Ohio, I saw another doctor (my personal doctor wasn't available at the time.) and told her what was going and she gave antibiotics for a few days and sent me on my way. I took the antibiotics and they worked for awhile but as soon as the medicine was gone, I was in even more pain than before. Eric took me to the ER and we were there for 6 hours; the ER doctor thought it was an infection with a UTI so they gave me an IV with fluids and antibiotics. He then talked to us about staying the night to be watched, so the in patient doctors came in, checked me out...and then the ER doctor and the in patient doctors argued over 3 hours whether I should stay or not. No, I am not kidding.

They also had to put an IV in my hand, I was NOT happy. 

Its been almost 2 weeks and my hand STILL hurts. No joke.

I was sent home and given a bunch of antibiotics and for once the pain stopped. However once again, when the medicine ran out, the "infection" came back and it came with a vengeance.  So Eric ran me back to the hospital and they tested me again and my infection was pretty much cleared up my PH was at  4. Not only did I have that going on, they tested me for the flu and I had the flu on top of everything else. 

So to make this long story short, I was getting sick because of the 50,000 mg of vitamin D I was taking. And you want to know who figured this all out? Not the Navy or their doctors, nope....my husband did. In his own words this what caused me to be sick:

"So here is actually what happens, her body normally doesnt use much vitamin D as she has been used to this for a while, she is always drinking milk because her body craves the calcium but without the proper amounts of vitamin D and magnisium in her system already, her body cannot utilize the calcium from her diet. now lets say that you take 1000mg dosage of vitamin d per day to make up from your lack of sunlight in the northern states. the provider put Katy on a 50,000 IU dosage once a week. what this is doing, is the moment all that available vitamin d hits the system her body goes, whoa i got the building blocks for repairing her bones, quick lets draw all the calcuim and magnisium from her food and bloodstream and repair bone with it. this is all fine and dandy except for what happens when you draw all the calcium out of your bloodstream rapidly. calcium has one more good purpose in the body, and that is to maintain the PH balance of your urine. now when you suddenly have no calcium to expel from your system, your urine becomes extremely acidic without the calcium base to neutralize it. so in turn if you take heavy vitamin d dosages and don't balance with a calcium supplement, you are going to pee acid. Not fun. After reading her file, I noticed the start of her symptoms occurred around the same time her vitamin d therapy started, so I looked up vitamin d toxicity and other side effects of the therapy."

That was a conversation he had with someone on Facebook while he was explaining what was going on, 7 doctors along with my own doctor and a specialist could not figure out what was wrong with me....but my husband did. My hero! :) 

So I stopped taking the Vitamin D and I am feeling like myself again, just in time for Christmas!

Speaking of Christmas, everything this year was just so, so crazy and busy. It was just all a blur and rush to me, it was a nice Christmas but at the same time everything went by so fast that I feel like I didn't really get to enjoy it. Next year will be very different, I'm sure.

2013...wasn't really a good year, besides getting married to Eric it was a bust. I don't know if it was a bad year because it was an odd number year, but...it just wasn't a good year! I want 2014 to mean something, I want 2014 to be a good year. And for once, I want to finish the resolutions I make, instead of making them and forgetting them later on. 

1. Lose 50 lbs, I can't stand the way I look. So its back to Weight Watchers, eating clean & working out.

2. I want to spend less time on electronics. 

3. Travel somewhere new.

4. Open my online shop.

5. Learn how to sew.

6. Cosplay/make my own clothes for the cosplay.

7. Finish more Pinterest projects.

8. Work on my anxiety more.

9. Get all A's & B's Spring Semester

10. Go to the beach more. 

11. Update my blogger more.

12. Spend as much time as I can with Eric. 

I love the idea of starting over with a clean slate, it means hope for a better day in my opinion. So as I finish my last blog post for 2013, I'll finish off with one of my favorite lyrics of all time:

"Maybe it's not my weekend, but it's gonna be my year." 

Eric & I got married a year ago today :) 

Happy New Year readers!!!