I don't know what I am supposed to be feeling right now to be honest with you. It is my Spring Break and instead of relaxing...I am finishing writing up my senior paper (20 pages mind you!), studying for a mega important exam next week and counting the minutes go by...because at the end of this week, Eric is getting deployed.
I don't know what to feel or how I am supposed to feel, I actually feel like I'm all over the place at the moment. One minute I am fine, I am typing up my paper...everything is okay! The next, I feel like my entire being is being shattered into a million tiny pieces and I can't breathe. Today, that is what I feel like. I want to cry, scream and nap...but I can't do any of those things.
The hardest part of all of this is wanting to do things together, like the other day we were talking and then we realized...we didn't have enough time to do the things we were discussing. Another problem I'm struggling with is memorizing things about Eric. Sometimes, when we are are apart...I can't remember things about him, simple little things. I try to remember something and nothing appears in my mind. Ever since we flew down to North Carolina the other night and he's caught me staring at him several times and he asks me 'what?' and I just smile and shake my head. Once he looks away from me I have to stop myself from bursting into tears because my STUPID MESSED UP BRAIN cannot remember these details. And if I can't remember these details, what will I have to hold on to when he leaves?
Most of all, I have never felt so alone in my entire life. I don't know what has happened to me and having friends, but I feel like I have none. For most of my life, I have felt like this and usually I'm fine with it, I can handle it...I am USED to it. But times like these...oh how I wish I had friends or a best friend.
I'm thinking maybe boo-ing and getting all my emotions out now is a good thing, because I refuse to send Eric off like this. Besides that, I am a Spartan wife. That is what they call the spouses of his unit and it is a title that I don't want to dishonor in any shape or form.
I hope things get easier, I know our first deployment wouldn't be all sunshine and rainbows, but I pray to god I don't feel like this the entire time. I pray to god for it.
I hope this is the hardest part.
