The month of June is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) awareness
month. PTSD awareness is very important to me because being involved with the
Marine Corp, I have seen what PTSD does to our brave men and women that come
home from serving our country. Living with PTSD is very hard to deal and it is
a horrible, horrible illness that many people don’t understand.
But talking about PTSD is also something that directly
relates to me because I was diagnosed with PTSD last June.
Once again very
ironic because June is PTSD awareness month. For four years I went about my
daily life struggling with panic attacks, sleeping troubles, constant/random
ringing in my ears, irritably, mood swings and heightened anxiety. For most of
my life I knew I struggled with depression and anxiety, but never in a million
years I would of guessed I had something like PTSD.
I am writing this blog not for you to pity me, but for you
as a reader, friend, family remember or even a random stranger to understand
what I go through along with 7.7 million Americans (most of them beings vets
and active military personnel) go through on a daily basis.
Loud noises make my ears ring for twenty-thirty minutes
straight, I get very jumpy whether it was a random noise or someone scaring me,
big crowds bother me, I can’t stand having someone near my “bubble,” If someone
is too close to me, I can feel them even when they aren’t near me. My mood
swings vary, I have good days and then I have very bad days where I can be
happy one minute, and the next minute I am mad as hell. Panic attacks were
something I had twice a day, I don’t know if you were had a panic attack ever before
in your life but if you haven’t, imagine not being able to breathe or hear
anything around you. All of a sudden it’s like you are in a movie, something
can be going on around but all you see is everything in slow motion. Your chest
burns and your heart is being fast, you can’t breathe…it is one of the most awful
feelings in the entire world and it’s SCARY. After having a panic attack you
feel exhausted, you know why? Having a panic attack is the equivalent of
running a marathon. Another aspect of PTSD is nightmares, constant or
random...either way nightmares occur often when you have PTSD and they usually
include your deepest, darkest fears.
For four years, I went through college and struggled every
day because I suffered from these symptoms. For four years, I thought I was
insane because I had no idea what was wrong with me. I was on medicine for my
anxiety and I talked to a therapist weekly, but it wasn’t enough. When I got
married and moved to North Carolina, my symptoms decreased a little but at the
beginning of 2014 things started to get back again. My moods were out of
control, my irritably was even worse….things got to the point where I went to a
place where I had two choices.
1. I
could continue on the path I was, being miserable and treating my loved ones
horribly
Or
2. I
could go to a Mental Health Clinic and get help.
I chose option 2, things had gotten out of control and I had
to make a change. I was suffering but the ones around me, like my husband and
mother were suffering more because of the way I was acting. I went to a Mental
Health Clinic and it was one of the best decisions I have ever made in my
entire life. The head therapist talked to me and set me up with another
therapist who I was comfortable with, I also was set up with a medicine doctor
who put me on the right type of medicine. (The anxiety medicine I was on wasn’t
helping me very much with anything. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO BE ON THE RIGHT
DOSAGE OF MEDICINE. I can’t say that enough!!) A few months of therapy and with
my dosage medicine I was on, I was feeling the best I have ever felt in my
entire life. Now, therapy and medicine help a lot…but let me make this clear,
just because you are getting help, doesn’t mean the symptoms of your mental
illness go away. For some strange reason, people think that once you get help,
your mental illness disappears. It doesn’t and I want to clarify that, getting
helps aids you in fighting against your mental illness, but that doesn’t mean
you will ever be free off it and that is okay. For most of 2014 I had to
struggle with that, thinking medicine and therapy would make my problems go
away. I thought doing all the right things would make all my problems
disappear. Which wasn’t the case, getting help only gives you the strength to
fight back against your problems and sometimes, that’s all you need when you
are struggling with a mental illness.
It was routine at the Mental Health Clinic I went to after a
few sessions of therapy and medicine that you get tested, just to see if you
have anything else going on with you. I answered over 600 questions, 3 different
tests and on June 27th, I was told I had Post Traumatic Stress
Disorder. I was shocked, relived and overall, devastated. Finally, I had an
answer to everything I had been going through the past 4 years. However, I
devastated and angry it was PTSD, to be honest with you all…I thought I was
Bipolar. I kept asking myself, PTSD? The same disease that the marines and
soldiers have after coming back from war? How? How could someone like me who
has never seen anyone die or get blown up have PTSD? How.
I have emotional PTSD, meaning certain events that have
happened to me were more mental than physical. I’m sure some of the people that
personally know me are asking how the heck I was diagnosed with this right?
A lot of the people that know me personally know for a fact
High School wasn’t easy for me. My family went through a lot of changes; my
father had a heart attack during my junior year of high school which set in
motion a lot of things. I won’t go too deep into detail on what we went through
but let me say this, it has changed my perception of life and gave me a hard
dosage of reality. The changes we went through will stay with me for as long as
I live. But the biggest reason why I was diagnosed with PTSD (my doctors
thinking this is the main reason why I have it) is because I was bullied. I was
bullied by my fellow peers and I was bullied by an adult that worked at my
school. An adult, I am disgusted to say still works at that school.
I played basketball my freshman year of high school, I loved
and still love basketball. But I quit after one year because of the mental
abuse I went through during one season. I was forced to run until I couldn’t
breathe and when I asked if I could take my inhaler, I wasn’t allowed. This man
constantly put me down, screamed and yelled at me any chance he had and just
literally made my life a living hell. I dreaded going to practice and I dreaded
going near him, he made my skin crawl. When the man who did this to me was told
not to do this, he let the girls on my team both my age and older, bully me.
Some of these girls I thought were my friends, but none of them stood up for me
or stuck by my side. For a long time, I asked myself why they didn’t help me
and maybe they didn’t because they feared the same treatment would happen to
them…I’m not sure. It’s something that has always haunted me and will have me
constantly wondering, ‘why didn’t you help me?’ I won’t ever forget anything these
girls said or did to me for the rest of my life.
And if any of you are reading
this, I hope next time you have the choice of doing the right thing, I hope you
do the right thing.
The second half of my freshman year I was bullied outside of
basketball, by several upperclassmen who cornered me in the girls restroom and
threatened to hurt me if I didn’t shut up. I was always confused by this
because I didn’t know these girls personally, the only connection we had was that
we were in choir together and I didn’t even talk to them in choir. What in the
world did they want me to shut up about? So confusing. Needless to say, I was
scared to death. How would you feel if you were cornered in a small area with a
group of people surrounding you, threatening to hurt you? It’s not fun guys.
Although all of these things happened during my freshman
year of high school, my PTSD symptoms didn’t really start to occur until I
started college. My doctors think that the stress of college unearthed the
emotions of what I went through in high school and manifested again in college.
That is how this illness works; something can happen to you and it won’t be an
issue right away. But with PTSD, you can be completely normal until something
triggers you and BAM! You are suddenly dealing with PTSD full force. That’s how
it happened with me.
For the longest time, I refused to get the help I needed. I
took the hard road, and I stubbornly refused to take medicine or when I was on
medicine I stopped taking it because I felt like it wasn’t helping me. I also wasn’t
comfortable with talking to a therapist which makes no sense to me now. I
started talking to a doctor 5 five years ago at Kent State and that woman has
helped me grow stronger mentally and as a person so much. I will never forget
that woman for as long as I live, she helped to understand my illness and fight
back against my problems. Since I had such a good experience with her, I continued therapy
when I was in North Carolina and will continue to do so when I return. With the
combination of therapy and medicine, my life has changed drastically for the
better. I still deal with my anxiety, depression and PTSD but all of it so much
more manageable.
Below are some of the sites you can visit to donate or learn
about PTSD. Please donate if you can, but if not support PTSD awareness by
sharing these links or researching what so many Americans (like myself) go
through.
In closing, I just want to say this:
some scars you can’t see. Someone can act like the happiest person in the
entire world but on the inside can be suffering. A good example of this would
be Robin Williams. If you or anyone you know deals with some sort of mental
illness whether it is depression, anxiety, PTSD or something else….please, I
beg of you from the bottom of my heart, go get help. Go to talk a doctor, talk
to someone about your problems and know this, it can get better.
I am living proof of how things can
get better, I was in a very dark place in high school and I know what it’s like
to want to die. But if you can stand up against the darkness inside of you,
things can and will change for the better. You don’t have to live your life in
constant darkness or fear. You can get help, you can control your illnesses and
you can live your life.
What happened to me is something I
will carry with me always, but it has shaped me as a person and it has made me
stronger. "Scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue. Realize the
strength, move on." - Henry Rollins. With the help I am getting, I can move on, I can live my life the way I want. As I mentioned before, I have good
days and I have bad days, but knowing the joy of the good days has overpowers
my bad days.
I wanted to write this blog because I
am not ashamed of my problems and maybe, just maybe by sharing my story it will
inspire someone else suffering out there to get help. For the loved ones of who
struggle with mental illnesses, please, please be patient and be there for these people,
they will need you more than ever. I am so thankful for my loved ones,
especially my husband and mother who are so understanding and even though I am “unwell”
they still love me unconditionally. Something I am so grateful for. Thank you for still loving me and being there for me.
To any of you that deal with same things I do, I hope you find the courage inside
you to make the choice I did.
Katy
