My classes weren't hard per see, I took Nutrition as my last science class, a language course, a writing course and a math class. I enjoyed nutrition, language and my writing courses, they were interesting, a lot of extra reading and more work, but worth it. My math class on the other hand? Pure torture. The math class was the worst; the class itself was unorganized, the teacher was slow via communication and here's the kicker dear readers, she couldn't speak English. To make it even worse, she wanted us to call her or Skype her if we had any questions. Let that sink in for a moment...calling or skyping a teacher with math questions who can't speak English.Yeah.
Ever since I've moved out of the dorms, I have wanted to be done with school. Let me be clear on this: I never, ever in my life want to leave Kent State, but school in general...I need to be done with. I was supposed to graduate this December. I'm actually moving back to Ohio for the fall semester to finish up courses I can't finish up online. The plan was to finish this spring semester, take online classes, move back home, take classes in person and graduate in December. That is all I wanted. However, I was lied to about the situation of classes. I wasn't always a history major but I was a integrated social studies major (a high history teacher) so when it came to knowing the in's and out's of a "history major" I didn't know the class plan. My advisor told me if I took summer classes, came back in the fall and took 15 credit hours of specific classes, I would be able to graduate in December. So the day comes I register for classes and one of the senior classes I need isn't letting me sign up. So I call the history department and I came to find out that you have to one of the senior classes (out of the two) pass the first one then take the other separately. My advisor told me I could take them at the same time. How could of I known when I am still fairly new at being a history major? I was completely heartbroken when I found out, I really had my heart set out on the JET program which is the Japanese Exchange Teaching. Basically you get interviewed and get hired o teach English in Japan for 1-4 years, you get paid and well you get to live in Japan!!!! I had my heart set on that, but in order to do the JET program...you need a degree. So there goes that plan.
Not only was I struggling with the work load of this semester, I was also dealing with personal problems as well. No matter what I am doing, I put Eric's needs and wants before my own. Always. And I am telling you first because frankly, the unit Eric is in now is not easy. None of what he does is easy, ever. He wasn't supposed to Japan for 2 & a half years, he wasn't supposed to be here...but he is and day after day he fights to be here. I am so proud of him because when he signed up for the marines, he was only supposed to be a regular communications tech. He wasn't supposed to do any of this, but here he is and I could be more prouder.
I love this quote from Disney' Frozen, so true.
I don't mind sacrificing my needs or wants or putting him first at all, however...I am human and I am not always strong. Unfortunately my depression and anxiety got out of control during March and early April. It got to the point where I would wake up and I had to fight and I mean fight to get out of bed. It took Eric awhile to catch on but once he realized what was going on with me, it only worse. It got to the point where it was affecting us, I got so irritable and frustrated that I was being horrible to people I cared about. Once I realized what I was doing, I knew I had to stop it or help myself somehow. So I found a new doctor who has me on this new medicine which has helped me so much. I'm much happier and my anxiety is a little bit easier to handle and my depression is under control. I have good days and bad days, but when those bad days come I am able to pull myself out of the black hole my depression puts me in. I see a doctor every other week who shows me different ways I can handle my anxiety, I have a panic attack every now and then but usually it has to be something really upsetting or a bad environment that triggers it.
While all this mental health stuff was going on along with the heart breaking news of me not being able to graduate in December..my best friend of 8 years decided to stab me in the back and take away the one person who I grew close to down here. Not only did she ruin 8 years of friendship, but she also took away the one friend that I had down here that I truly believed was like a sister to me. My friend of 8 years did this in a matter of 24 hours, my maid of honor. I'm not going to get into details because I really do need to move on with my life, but because of this 24 betrayal event...I shut down. I didn't want to be around people, at all. When Eric and I went out, I started to get upset when we were near big groups of people. When people asked if I wanted to hang out with them, I refused. This one 24 hour event, my maid of honor and my "sister" had hurt me so much, that I literally lost all the will to hang out with people.
It took me 2 months to be able to want to be around people again. Usually I do a lot of volunteer events with the FRO (family readiness officer) and with the other spouses of Eric's unit. But after everything that had happened, I didn't even want to do any of that either. In early May I was about to go to a spouse event when I had a panic attack. I was so scared of being with people again that I was on the phone minutes before the event was happening with my mom sobbing because I was so scared of getting hurt again. So scared. My mom gave me a pep talk and I went to the event, and I am really glad I did. It was kinda like the first step of getting over what happened and I'm recovering. I'm still not okay with being around people for a long time, but I'm getting there.
To be honest I think it was my own fault for getting hurt in the first place. Before I moved, I vowed to myself that I would open up with people. I wouldn't judge or be afraid of people, I really, really wanted to make new friends and learn about other people. And I did, but in the end the people that I opened up to, came back to hurt me in the end with all the things I opened up to them about. Needless to say, lesson learned and I will continue to try to be open with people. But I will never, ever let down my walls so easily as I did before ever again.
I have learned so much from getting married and moving away from home. Good and bad things, about people and life in general. Sometimes I don't like it here and sometimes I do, but to be honest with you...I feel like that everywhere I go. No matter what I'm doing or where I am at, I never feel settled. I feel like a gypsy, constantly hence the name of my blog.
Although things in my life aren't exactly the way I want them to be, I just know there is something bigger and better that is going to happen to me. There just has to be. I am so sick and tired of getting my heart broken over things that I can't control or people that don't matter. With my anxiety I am in constant worry of something, always. It is beyond my control and no matter what I do, I will always worry about something.
Will I ever make it to Japan? Will I ever graduate? Do they really like me? Are you sure this is the right choice? Will I ever be able to get a job with this degree? Will we always have to worry about money? What if something happens to you? What if the car stops working? Are you sure you have all your gear? Did you eat enough? Do you have everything you need? Are you relaxed enough? Are you okay? Are you happy?
I googled what the definition of "complicated" is:
consisting of many interconnecting parts or elements; intricate.
If I had to sum up my life in the past 4 months, that's
exactly what it's been like. Different parts of my life, connecting,
disconnecting, separating, getting twisted. I want to believe that things will
work out on its own and things will be okay, but sometimes I have a hard time
believing that. Right now? I feel okay, I'm tired more than anything. Worried
about summer school, worried about Eric and maybe an upcoming deployment,
worried about being apart again for 4 months. Which I totally want to slap myself
over because I'm like really Katy? Remember when he was in Japan for 2 & a
half years and you never saw each other?
I think things will be okay, I also believe that bad things
happen to people to make them stronger. And I think god is testing me, which is
okay. He wouldn't give me anymore that I could handle right?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don't mind letting you down easy, but just give it time. If
it don't hurt now then just wait, just wait a while. You're not the big fish in the pond no more, you
are what they're feeding on.
So what are you gonna do when the world don't orbit around
you?
So what are you gonna do when the world don't orbit around
you?
Ain't it fun living in the real world? Ain't it good being
all alone?
Ain't it good to be on your own? Ain't it fun you can't
count on no one?
Don't go crying to your mama 'cause you're on your own in
the real world
Don't go crying to your mama 'cause you're on your own in
the real world
Ain't it fun? Ain't it fun?
Baby, now you're one of us
Ain't it fun? Ain't it fun?
-Paramore, "Ain't it fun"
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