Keep the faith, sweetheart.

Lately, I've been having a hard time with just about everything. And for some odd reason, I thought once I moved down here, started living with Eric and such that everything would calm down with no issues.

Boy was I a dumb ass. 

One thing happened after the other, our impala's transmission blew up, Eric was gone for basically a month because of a special training school, I couldn't find a job, we took our car to get an oil change and we found out that our brake lines were so rusted that they could of stopped working at any time. Yeah. 

Eric and I have been together since I was 16 years old, we have been together for almost 6 years however we have never lived together. Getting used to each other has been a challenge, when he was deployed to Japan for 2 years, I was 18 and I moved into the dorms for my college. I was already pretty independent there, but it only increased  after that. So living together hasn't been easy, not at all. We are still getting used to each other.

Once Eric joined the marines I knew from the very minute we swore in that we would have limited time together and limited time to see each other. I thought once we got married, we would see each other more often and just be a family together with Noir (our cat). His unit has actually caused a lot of problems because he hasn't been getting a lot of time off, usually marines get 96's (3 day weekends) or 120s (4-5 days off) but he hasn't been getting though. Duty has been a problem too, (duty is when marines go to the barracks and basically stay and babysit the guys & girls at the barracks for 24 hours).

He literally had duty the day after the marine ball and then a week later, he had duty again! Like seriously?! This unit has over 1500 marines...GO FIND ANOTHER CORPORAL TO DO DUTY DAMNIT.

Its been very frustrating and I've been very homesick because Eric really hasn't had any time for me. Its hard for me to do things when we only have one car and most of the time Eric has the car. I can't find a job, so I'm stuck at home taking care of things and doing school work...which at first, I didn't mind but now, its eating away at me.

I haven't been home since September, I've seen my mom twice since then but I haven't see anyone else. I love Noir, but I miss all my other cats I had back home and my dogs too. I miss my dad, my grandparents, the Bradshaw's, my friends, Kent...I miss everyone so much.

But I've been having issues with my "friends" back home too. I was told by several people, "you'll find out who your 'real friends' are when you move." I really didn't take that comment to heart because I thought all my friends truly cared about me. Once I moved, I made the effort to text and keep in touch with everyone. But then people stopped texting me back, so I stopped texting them...why waste my time when I put in the effort to stay close with someone who doesn't even want to talk to me? Makes no sense. The people that still talk to me and keep up with whats going with me and such are great, but it still hurts to see how many people have just...fallen off the face of the earth. It's sad because you think you know someone and then, all of a sudden..you don't. 

Meanwhile besides that drama, Eric was told that we could go home for Thanksgiving! I was sooooo excited and happy! Our original plan was to leave early tomorrow, get home later in the evening and have an extra day home (Wednesday) because we have to be back in NC on Sunday afternoon. But of course, that's not going to happen now. Thanks Marine Corp! 

We are now leaving early (hopefully!) Wednesday morning and shall get to Ohio later in the evening. Which gives me 72 hours of being home. I was heartbroken when Eric told me because that extra day was going to give me time with my doctor at Kent, some more time with my family and I was just so, so upset. We'll be home for Christmas, but who knows for how long.

I know its just a day, but to me it just gave me more time and I just wanted some more time with my family. I shouldn't have to rush around to see people and give like just a minute of my time so I can go see someone else. It's just too much. 

A few days ago, I was looking through Netflix when I saw an old movie that I hadn't see since I was  very little the Rescuers by Disney. It had been so long since I had seen it, I couldn't even remember the plot line  So as I watching it, I couldn't stop myself from crying several times and it was all because of this guy, Rufus:

For the past few months, I've been so down because of all these bad things that keep happening to us. 

I've been homesick and sad, 

but this movie..just made me feel so much better. 

Even though I was crying, this cat, this animated cat put the broken pieces of my heart back together. 

Faith is a bluebird you see from a far

it’s for real and as sure as the first evening star

you can’t touch it or buy it or wrap it up tight

but it’s there just the same

making things turn out right

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I stopped being happy, dreaming and hoping because I got into a very dark place. And what he said to this little girl, made me realize that I have be strong even though I am having the hardest time right now. I know I feel this way because of domino effect of bad news happening to us mixed in with feeling homesick...but it can't rain forever. It doesn't stay dark forever and good things happen to good people when they are having the worst of days. I want to be myself again, the woman who has so many big dreams and hopes. Traveling, going to Disney world and Japan. Graduating college, getting a job, supporting myself and maybe even publish a book someday. 

I know going home won't fix things, but it's a start and I'm going to keep fighting till I'm back to who I was. 

I'm going to keep the faith. 

22.

So much has happened within the past month past few weeks of November! October was very hard for me, Eric went through special training that I really can't talk about, but it was not a fun experience for me. First of all, he was gone for 7 days with no contact whatsoever. And this was the first time since he got home from Japan that we weren't able to talk, since then even if we didn't get to talk to each other, we at least go to text or call. We couldn't do that during this training and it sucked. It was very hard and it was an experience I don't want to deal with for a very long time.

It also didn't help that when Eric returned, he wasn't himself and he wasn't himself for a long time. The training was so intense that it was really hard for him to break away from what I like to call his "marine mode". Marine mode is where Eric or any marine basically shows little to no emotion, is cranky or mean or is just very stand offish and pushes you away and doesn't let you get close. Eric was in marine mode for a good 2 and a half weeks. Which really sucked because, he got back a few couple days before my birthday (Oct 28th) and he just wasn't himself. I was sad, depressed and just overall disappointed because I wanted my birthday to be special because it was the first birthday we could spend together in almost 4 years.

Eric might of been out of it, but I did have a great birthday because on someone else.

Sunday, the 27th, there was a knock on the door and when I looked through our peephole to see who it was, I saw a bunch of balloons. I was like, what the heck? I open the door and behind the balloons was my mother. I was immediately filled with joy, happiness, relief and all these emotions.

I was so happy to see, I hadn't see her or any of my family since September and after such an intense month where I hardly saw Eric...I needed my mother. The next day was my birthday and while Eric worked, my mom and I went to Topsail Island and shopped and just hung out. We also went to the beach and shelled which is one of our absolute favorite things to do. Later on in the evening, my mom treated us to the Melting Pot for my birthday dinner was fabulous and delicious. Once we got home after dinner, I opened presents and had cake that Eric made for me. 

The cake was awesome! Eric is very weary of baking but he made me a cake anyway, it was white with chocolate frosting and it was really good! My mom brought presents from her and my dad and my grammy and granddaddy. My mom got me a $100 Target gift card was awesome! And also a really cool Pandora charm and my dad also got me a Pandora charm (I'm gonna have to take pictures of it and post it soon!) My grandparents got me a cookbook, a glass pot, a fall themed pot warmer and oven mitt. And also the cook book I posted above.

It was such a great birthday and I was so thankful my mom was there.